The Mostly Mutant Women
by Red Witch
Summary: In this parody of an all female movie, the mutants take on gossip, adultery, backstabbing and all other sorts of fun things.
1. Meet The Women

Rogue walked out. "Hello all you readers out there. Well once again Red Witch has gone nuts and decided to do a movie parody. Apparently she hasn't learned her lesson from the **last** time she's done this. This time it's another one of her favorite films which had an all female cast. A black and white film from the forties about catty rich women, gossip, broken marriages and catfights. Gee I wonder **why** she would like this?"

**Just get on with the disclaimer! **

"All right Red, keep your bra on," Rogue snorted. "Obviously not only does Red Witch not own any X-Men Evolution characters but also the movie called 'The Women'. Orignially The Women was a stage play and then it was adapted to the big screen. In other words, Hollywood was just as unoriginal then as it is now."

**Again keep your comments to yourself and get on with it! **

Rogue rolled her eyes, "I'm also warning you that there will be topics of adultery, drinking, gossip, shooting rocket launchers and other stuff that kids should **not** do. Any one who has a problem with it must remember that this is **only **a parody after all and should seriously get a life. Red Witch has updated this story a little so not only are a few modern conveniences thrown in, it's not as sexist and stereotypical as the original. This is her imagining from her deranged mind! So here it is folks, some insane little drek we call…"

**The Mostly Mutant Women**

**Chapter One: Meet the Ladies.**

Welcome to the Sociere Rouge Beauty Salon and Spa on Park Avenue. Where the rich mutant women meet and greet to gossip, get their hair done and relax.

"GET THAT MANGY LIZARD AWAY FROM MY BABY YOU COW!" Ilyana Rasputin screamed as she desperately tried to hold onto the leash of a red demon like creature named Princess Fluffietta Tinkerbell.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A COW, HEIFER HIPS?" Kitty Pryde yelled as she tried to control her dragon, Lockheed.

Both animals were yapping furiously trying to fight each other. And their owners weren't doing a very good job of controlling them. Actually, they were kind of adding to the fight.

"YOU ARE SO GONNA GET YOUR BUTT KICKED!" Kitty shouted as she whipped out a gun and started shooting. Lockheed shot out a blast of fire that blew apart a nearby shrub.

"BRING IT ON!" Ilyana whipped out her sword and deflected a few blasts, also destroying some shrubs.

"Uh, I take it Red's also gonna take a few liberties with what happens in the movie?" Ororo, one of Park Avenue's wealthy women stared out the window at the carnage on the screen.

BOOM!

"You gotta admit, it's a lot more interesting than two old ladies and their dogs fighting," Cover Girl, one of the spa attendants blinked. "Wow, look at the flames on that tree. Pyro would be impressed."

Anyway…The Sociere Rouge Beauty Salon and Spa is **the** place for the wealthiest mutant women to meet and greet.

"YOU BACKSTABBING WHORE!" Amara screamed as she chased after Starla, throwing fireballs all the way. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Not to mention get all the daily gossip. But there is one Park Avenue woman who not only thrived on gossip, she used it as a weapon. And knew exactly where to get it.

"You'll love this new color," Tabitha the manicurist went at it. "It's called Jungle Red and it really goes with your…Outfit?"

"Thank you darling," Pietro Maximoff in a stunning blue dress and white wig twittered. "What?"

"What are **you** doing here? This is supposed to be an **all female** movie, you lamebrain!" Tabitha the manicurist snapped.

"What?" Pietro put his hands on his hips. "John Travolta can play a woman and I **can't?"**

"Fill in your own jokes folks," Tabitha said. "This one is way too **easy** for me!"

"Just call me Pietra," He…uh She snorted. "I am Pietra LeBeau, wealthy society woman and married to the wealthy contractor Remy LeBeau.

"OH GOD NO!" Remy was heard off screen. "SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL GAMBIT HE **DIES** IN THIS!"

"SHUT UP YOU SCENE WHORE!" Pietro…Uh Pietra snapped.

"Red why did you put Pietro in a dress for **this?"** Tabitha asked. Then she looked 'Pietra' over. "Other than the **obvious** reasons?"

**Look if you've seen Rosalind Russell, the woman who originally played this part you would ****swear**** she was Pietro Maximoff's twin! Now get on with it! **

"Okay…" Tabitha took a deep breath. "Anyway this is the same color my room mate's best friend wears. She's the one who's friends with the woman who's stepping out with Scott Summers. Well anyway…"

"Wait, wait, wait…" Pietra did a double take. "Say that again!"

"This is Jungle Red and…" Tabitha began.

"I don't want to hear the commercial!" Pietra shouted. "Skip to the part about Scott Summers!"

Twenty minutes later Pietra was on his cell phone! "Monet! Monet! Pick up the phone! I just got some delicious dirt on Jean Summers and you are going to die!"

"I **am **on the phone!" Monet said as she tried to wrangle Trinity in a fancy apartment. "Girls! Girls no! No experiments on the cat! Daria put down that cattle prod!"

"All abroad the Mutant Express!" Claudette squealed excitedly. Torpid, Penny, and Nichole whizzed by on a shopping cart.

"Oh for crying out loud! Girls! MOMMY'S ON THE PHONE HERE!" Monet shouted. She turned her attention back to the phone. "What were you saying Pietra?"

"Scott Summers is stepping out on Jean Grey," Pietra grinned. "With a shop girl of all things!"

"NO!" Monet gasped. "How delicious!"

"Mommy," Quinn said sweetly. "The twins set the swimming pool on fire again!"

"WHO CARES? GO ROAST SOME MARSHMALLOWS OR SOMETHING!" Monet snapped. "Mommy's listening to some dirt! Go ahead Pietra! Tell me the **whole **thing!"

"Well I went to my manicurist Tabitha," Pietra admired her fingernails. "She's awfully divine. You really should go to her. I just got the new color, Jungle Red. And as we're talking she blabs out the whole story."

"Ooohhhh!" Monet grinned a wicked grin. "You've got to tell me all about it!"

BOOM!

"When I get a moment of **peace** that is!" Monet groaned. "Hold on Pietra. GIRLS HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO PLAY WITH THE MISSLE LAUNCHER?"

"Trouble in paradise dear?" Pietra grinned.

"Why did I have to have so many girls?" Monet groaned.

"Because it's in the script," Pietra told her. "So you will be at the luncheon this afternoon right?"

"The same luncheon Jean's putting on?" Monet asked. "Yes but I have a doctor's appointment so I'll be a little late."

BOOM!

"Not to mention I might have to do some cleaning up around here," Monet groaned. "But Pietra! How horrible! Eating her food and knowing what we know about her husband! It's terrible!"

"Isn't it ghastly?" Pietra grinned a wicked grin. "Oh I'll talk to you later darling! See you at the luncheon!"

"See you!" Monet hung up the phone. Then she dialed again.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"WILL YOU RUGRATS KNOCK IT OFF? MOMMY HAS SOME IMPORTANT GOSSIP TO DISH OUT AND SHE CAN'T DO IT WITH YOU MANIACS MAKING SUCH A RACKET!" Monet shouted. "Honestly I had to get the one character Red really **hates** in this movie!"

"That and the character is supposed to be a little fat," Daria poked her head out. "Which come to think of it you are the only one who fits the bill."

"DIE YOU LITTLE RUG RAT!" Monet screamed as she chased Daria.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

We now change the scene to a beautiful mansion just outside the city. Riding on horseback is Jean Grey-Summers and her daughter Madelyne.

"Now I'm a daughter instead of a sister," Madelyne grumbled. "It's **wonderful** being a clone!"

**Just say your lines! **

"Fine!" Madelyne rolled her eyes before getting into character. "Oh Mother! I beat you! I really beat you!"

"You certainly did Darling!" Jean smiled.

"Can you take a picture of me crossing the finish line? I don't want to tell Father myself. It makes me sound conceited," Madelyne asked.

"Of course Darling I…God this is so sickeningly sweet even **I** want to throw up," Jean groaned.

"Can I just get out of here so we can get on with the next scene?" Madelyne asked. "It's kind of boring anyway. All it does is set up what a happy home life we have. Or what we think we have."

"Well this is Red's story so why not?" Jean agreed. "Besides I've got to not only get ready for the luncheon, I've got to pack for our big trip to Canada."

"So you and Father are really going for two whole weeks?" Madelyne asked as she dismounted from her horse.

"That's right," Jean said as she dismounted. "Your Father has been working late every night for months. Hasn't been coming home before one in the morning. Poor dear. He's always so tired. Well at least he's coming home early tonight. Then we can go on our trip tomorrow!"

"That's what you think," Madelyne muttered under her breath.

"What?" Jean blinked.

"I said, I need to get a drink," Madelyne said quickly. "Of water!"

"And I need to wash up for the luncheon," Jean nodded.

Not long afterwards Jean's friends and her 'cousin' uh, Pietra were getting ready for lunch. Pietra was there along with Jean's college friend and world famous writer Wanda Maximoff, and her other friend Amara, another society wife. A young silly society wife.

"Ooooooohhhh!" Amara twittered. "Isn't everything so wonderful! Wheeeeee!"

"What's wrong with **her?**" Pietra asked Wanda. "She's loopier than Pyro after sniffing lighter fluid."

"Uh well you know how Amara's character is supposed to be a bit of a dip and Amara hasn't exactly been little Miss Happy lately?" Wanda whispered. "And more like Little Miss Burn Everything to the Ground?"

"Red Witch drugged her didn't she?" Pietra asked.

"It's amazing what a shot of Jack Daniels in some coffee and some prescription medication can do," Wanda nodded. "Actually I think that's how Charlie Sheen gets some of his best performances."

"I dunno," Pietra said. "Didn't exactly help Brittany Spears."

"Look as long as Amara doesn't shave her head and run over people I think she'll be fine," Wanda remarked. "Speaking of people who should be **run over**, where's Monet?"

"She's late from her doctor's appointment…" Pietra waved. The doorbell rang. "That's her."

"Ooh," Monet staggered in.

"How are you feeling darling?" Pietra asked.

"Awful, I wouldn't wish my troubles on my worst friend," Monet groaned.

"You have **friends**?" Wanda raised an eyebrow.

"She's fine. Now back to me," Pietra waved. "So I said to Remy: Do you expect me to stay at home all day while you're out gallivanting all over town? You expect me to cook and clean for you all day? That's why we keep servants!"

"You don't keep them long," Wanda remarked. "Didn't the last one throw lamb's blood on your door and screamed warnings that the devil was near?"

"Contract negotiations," Pietra sniffed. "Do yourself a favor and save your cracks for your next book! Oh Monet…" Pietra shifted to the side to try and talk to her but realized other people were in the room.

"Oh look at this pretty, pretty picture!" Amara twittered. "Isn't this divine? It's an article about Jean and the little girl. Little girls…Hic!"

"Let me see that," Pietra grabbed the magazine. "Hmph! The happy homemaker herself telling everyone how wonderful her life is! Leave it to Jean to make sure she's photographed from her best side."

"Good side my eye," Wanda sniffed. "This picture doesn't half do her justice."

"Jealous much?" Monet sneered.

"I wish I could make a little money writing the way you do," Amara smiled with a glazed look in her eye.

"If you wrote the way I do that's just what you'd make," Wanda said.

"I wish I had a little more money," Amara sighed. "Then Johnny and I can afford to have a baby…Johnny…Pyro…I'm married to Pyro. Why do I have the sudden urge to vomit? Oh well. I'm married…married, married, married to Pyro."

"Boy those pills really **do** work," Wanda blinked.

"I wish I could afford to have a baby, but I can't…" Amara sighed.

"And you never will if your bridge game doesn't improve," Pietra sniffed. "Ooh! Smoked oysters!"

"Oh no…I don't feel so good…" Monet turned green and ran to the bathroom.

"Oh I **adore **Monet but she does get me down," Pietra waved. "No wonder her husband has a wandering eye!"

"What?" Amara blinked. "He wouldn't!"

"Oh my dear, Mr. Daniels is one of those flirty types! Just loves to kiss all the girls!" Pietra waved theatrically. "Well, he tried that on me and I told him off! I…Monet is married to EVAN? OH I **LOVE** THIS ROLE!"

"I DON'T!" Evan shouted off camera.

"Anyway he tried that act with me and I told him to knock it off," Pietra sniffed. "I told him that if he tried that again I'll run straight to Monet and tell her what a swine he was!"

"LIES! ALL LIES!" Evan screamed offstage.

"I'M EXTREMELY DESIRABLE! DEAL WITH IT!" Pietra shouted.

"Well did you tell Monet?" Amara asked.

"Of course not!" Pietra snapped. "I'd rather **die** than hurt Monet! She's my dearest friend!"

"Nuts," Wanda casually held up a plate of nuts.

"Thanks," Pietra gave her a look and started munching on them. "Well I'm onto my husband! Wouldn't trust him in a men's prison. He'd never be stupid enough to fool around on me! I've got his number! And the number of a few good divorce attorneys!"

"Oh! You shouldn't talk like that about your husband! It's disloyal!" Amara twittered.

"Listen Miss Fire **Bombed,** how do you think the men talk about **us **when we're not around?" Pietra gave her a look.

"I've heard rumors," Wanda agreed.

"Exactly," Pietra sniffed. "And uh while we're on the subject any of you ever wonder if the master of this estate may be straying?"

"I haven't," Wanda glared at him.

"All I'm saying is that for all we know Jean Grey may be living in a fool's paradise!" Pietra sniffed.

"You're so resourceful darling I ought to go to you for plots," Wanda sniffed.

"You ought to go to **someone**," Pietra gave her a look. Monet returned from the bathroom. "Feeling better dear?"

"False alarm," Monet waved. "I hope you didn't talk about me too much."

"Oh we're off you now," Wanda said. "And onto our hostess."

"I think Jean is very wise snatching Scotty boy off to Canada," Pietra preened.

"You can't stand Jean's happiness can you?" Wanda bristled. "It just gets you down! You're just jealous because Jean is content to be what she is."

"And what's that?" Pietra asked.

"A woman."

"And what are **we?**" Pietra asked. "For the most part anyway."

"Females," Wanda gave them a look.

"And what does that make you?" Pietra snapped.

"What nature abhors, a frozen asset. But believe me, I've seen the way you idiots act and if that's love I am in **no hurry** to fall into it," Wanda told them. "YOU HEAR ME RED WITCH? NO HURRY!"

"Oh if only I could get out of here for a moment…" Pietra muttered.

_"Hold it! We don't have to leave the room!" _Monet snapped telepathically. _"I'm a telepath! I can just tell you any damn thing I want in private with a telepathic link!" _

"Oh right," Pietra realized. _"Okay darling! Let's dish!"_

_"Finally! I thought I'd never get you alone! I can't wait to get the low down! Now tell me everything!" _Monet said.

_"Well…" _Pietra began. _"Well I went to Sorciere Rouge for my hair. And you should go! I **despise **whoever does yours! Well this manicurist Tabitha gave me these nails! Isn't the color **divine?** Jungle red! Just a wonderful color! Wonderful! Well she and I got to talking about people we know and who was doing what and then the whole ghastly story rolled out!" _

_"Quicksilver will you slow your thoughts down?! You're giving me a headache!" _Monet snapped. _"But is it someone we know?"_

_"No that's what's so awful about it! She sells perfume at Red's Fifth Avenue!" _Pietra crowed.

_"Red's! Oh my! A shop girl!" _Monet appeared scandalized.

_"Oh it wouldn't be so bad if Scott picked someone from his own class but really!" _

_"But how did they meet?"_

_"Oh how do men meet these types of girls?" _Pietra shrugged. _"How do men meet girls like that? That's all they live for the rats!" _

_"That's awful! Someone should really shut that manicurist up!" _Monet agreed.

_"A good piece of scandal like that? Not on your life! Besides that's what girls like that live for! You can't shut them up!" _Pietra waved. _"That's all they do is talk! Babble, babble, babble. Never let up for a minute. Doesn't care whose lives they ruin. And boy does Jean have some tacky stuff! You would think with all the money she has she could afford to buy better things!" _

_"Really cheap," _Monet agreed.

_"It wouldn't be so bad if only Jean's friends knew! We can keep our mouths shut!" _Pietra sniffed.

"_I never say a word about my friends and their husbands!" _Monet sniffed.

_"So do I!" _Pietra sniffed. Then they gave each other a look.

"You look like the cat that swallowed the canary," Wanda remarked at the two. "Whatever gossip you two featherheads chatted about must have been choice!"

"It **was!"** Pietra snapped.

"What are you talking about?" Jean asked as she entered the room.

"Nothing," Pietra smirked. "How's Scott?"

"Oh he's fine!" Jean smiled. "Just fine! He can't wait to go away on our trip!"

"I'll bet," Pietra grumbled.

Just then the phone rang. "I'll get it," Jean went over to answer the phone. "Hello? Scott? Darling how are…What? Oh Scott! That's awful! All over the interstate? Well how did they fill up those trucks with popcorn and chickens anyway? Oh well. At least you'll be able to come home in time to…WHAT? The entire office has been struck with the flu and chronic diarrhea? How did **that** happen? Okay Kitty's cooking…Yeah that's believable. It's just awful you have to cancel your vacation. Well we can always go away another time. I mean it is an emergency after all. Thank goodness you were smart enough not to eat any. I'll call you later. Good bye."

Jean hung up the phone and went back to the table. "Trouble in paradise?" Pietra preened.

"Oh Scott's stuck at the office for the next few weeks because everyone made the mistake of eating Kitty's cookies and drinking her punch," Jean sighed. "And to top it off there was this horrible accident on the interstate and all the roadways will be jammed for hours. Oh well, at least Scott's safe."

"Wanna bet?" Pietra snickered. A look from Jean silenced her. "I mean, this is the best luncheon yet!"

"You're taking this awfully well," Wanda remarked to Jean.

"Well what are you going to do?" Jean shrugged. "Poor Scott all alone in the city. I feel so bad for him. He must get so lonely working all those late hours."

"Boy Jean's really bad at telepathy isn't she?" Monet whispered.

"You have **no** idea!" Pietra rolled her eyes. "Two words: Duncan Matthews!"

Then Pietra got a wicked idea. "Say Jean," Pietra showed Jean her nails. "Like my nails? I just got them done at the salon by this divine girl named Tabitha."

"They're very nice," Jean said.

"Yes! This color's called Jungle Red! It would go **perfectly** with your hairstyle!" Pietra grinned.

"You know you're right," Jean said. "And it has been a long time since I've had a manicure."

"Well why don't you let me set you up with an appointment?" Pietra grinned.

"Don't worry," Jean tapped her head. "Tabitha, Jungle Red. I'll remember."

**Two words folks: Big mistake! Be here next time as things start to heat up! **


	2. Jungle Red

**Jungle Red**

"You know I just had the urge to give myself a manicure," Jean told Amara as they walked into the salon. "And I figured since I had the whole day off, why not?"

"Oh goody," Amara hiccupped, still under the influence. "Wait a minute…Wait a minute…Don't you have a kid or something in this picture? Where is she? Oh my! She's lost! Here kiddie! Kiddie! Kiddie! Here…"

"She's not lost!" Jean snapped. "She's…I guess she's on a field trip or something. They never explained that in the movie. The point is I need some me time and I am going to take it."

"That 'a girl," Amara hiccupped. "Hey Jean you gotta try this coffee I've been drinking between scenes! It's grrrrrrrrrrrreaaaaaaaaaat!"

"And Red Witch calls **this** the **politically correct version?"** Jean looked at the audience.

"Are you getting yourself all dolled up for Scott?" Amara hiccupped.

"What makes you say that?" Jean asked.

"Well you are, aren't you?" Amara asked. Jean shrugged. "My Pyro doesn't like Pietra's nails. He says he would scrub them down to the skin with a bar of soap. Or was that burn them down? Oh whatever!"

"Hello there, Welcome back Mrs. Summers and Mrs. Allderyce," Cover Girl walked in.

"Who?" Amara blinked.

"That's you, Amara," Jean groaned. "I know I don't have an appointment but Mrs. LeBeau recommended Tabitha for a manicure."

"Oh yes, you're in luck," Cover Girl smiled. "She's free!"

"Ooh Summer Rain!" Amara held up a shiny bottle of perfume. "Jean this is the most divine new perfume!"

"I know," Jean smiled. "Scott gave me a bottle for my birthday. And then he gave me the other one the other day for no reason at all."

"How lovely," Amara twittered. Then she saw something. "HEY YOU! YOU! STARLA COME BACK HERE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Starla fled from the flaming fireballs Amara threw.

"I think the medication is wearing off," Cover Girl groaned as Amara chased down Starla again. "Right this way…"

Jean soon walked into one of the rooms. "Good Morning Madame," Tabitha stood there in a white coat. "Are you one of Mrs. LeBeau's friends? I love getting new clients! It proves one's mettle."

"Yes," Jean smiled as she sat down. "I'd like that new color. Jungle Red."

"All right," Tabitha began to do her nails. "So you're a friend of Mrs. LeBeau? Isn't she the nicest loveliest person? She recommended five new customers this week for me. I haven't been so busy in a long time."

"Really?" Jean said.

"Do you know one of the people she sent me was Mrs. Delgado? She was telling me that Mr. Delgado was out one night and he came back with lipstick on his collar," Tabitha went on. "And he couldn't explain that! Or the black negligee in his coat pocket!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAP!

"OWWWWWWWWWW! WHAT DID I DO?" Shipwreck was heard yelling.

"You know Mrs. St. Croix? Oh that poor woman! Her house looks like a reform school with all those maniacs running around?" Tabitha went on. "They're absolute gangsters! Do you know about Jean Grey?"

"Well yeah I…" Jean began before she was interrupted.

"Oh yes I suppose Mrs. LeBeau told you all about that! Isn't it awful?" Tabitha went on. "I feel so awful for her."

"Why? I…" Jean began. But she was interrupted again.

"You wouldn't if you knew this girl," Tabitha grunted.

"What girl?" Jean asked.

"Emma Frost!" Tabitha said. "The blonde bimbo that hooked Scott Summers!"

"What?" Jean startled.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah…What about this…?" Jean began.

"Oh she **didn't** tell you? Oh it's what everyone's been talking about for weeks!" Tabitha went on. "And I saw it happen! I was there! I know this Emma Frost, a friend of mine but really a terrible man trap. We was working in the perfume counter at Red's together before I was fired…I mean before I left to pursue other interests. That's how she met him."

"Go on…" Jean's eyes narrowed.

"Well it was a slow day at the store a couple months ago and we were just standing around when this guy in sunglasses walks in," Tabitha told the tale with relish. "Right away Emma nabs him. 'I want some perfume' he says. 'May I ask what type?' she says in that awful snooty voice of hers. Didn't matter what he wanted she was just gonna push Summer Rain on him anyway. We had an overstock and had to get rid of it. Well Emma keeps on conning him and batting her eyes. She's got these ice cold blue eyes that just stare at you. And of course being a telepath herself she didn't have much trouble figuring out his number. Well anyway she puts some perfume in the crook of her arm so he could sample it and he got to smelling and I guess he liked what he smelled, and ever since then they've been practically joined at the hip! They go out almost every night!"

"Every night?" Jean was getting a bit ticked off. "Never mind the manicure." She stood up.

"But Jungle Red is what you wanted? That's what all Mrs. LeBeau's friends come in for," Tabitha was confused.

"I think I just **got** what Mrs.LeBeau's friends come for," Jean gave her a look.

"Well I'll tell Mrs. LeBeau you were in," Tabitha was puzzled. "Good bye Mrs.…."

"Mrs. Jean Summers," Jean told her.

"Mrs….Uh oh…" Tabitha blinked.

"Yeah uh oh," Jean growled.

"Oh I'm really sorry about that," Tabitha apologized. "Really! I swear I didn't know! I was just making conversation!"

"I got that," Jean said.

"I'm really sorry," Tabitha was upset. "Is there something I can do?"

"You can start by not telling that story any more," Jean gave her a look.

"Sure, right," Tabitha nodded.

"And don't tell anyone that you told it to me!" Jean added.

"Oh right," Tabitha said. "I promise! Gee that would be kind of humiliating for you…I'm so sorry. But this Emma is an awful gold digger. I mean she's terribly clever and terribly pretty! And if I were you I wouldn't waste any time trying to get Mr. Summers away from her! Well now you know!"

"And knowing is one reason the divorce lawyers in this city have such a thriving business!" Jean remarked.

FOOOOOOOOOM!

"DIE YOU MAN STEALER!" Amara ran by throwing more fireballs at Starla. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Just then something must have caught on fire. For the sprinkler system just went on and got everyone wet. "And the home repair industry…" Jean groaned.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Soon Jean was at home, trying to figure out what to do next. When Rahne walked into the room in a maid's outfit."

"I can't believe I'm a bloody maid! Jean! your mother's here," Rahne told her.

"She is? Okay…?" Jean blinked.

"Hello Darling," Mystique walked into the room wearing an expensive dress. "Mommy's here."

"Mystique? You're my **mother**?" Jean blinked. "HOW DID **THAT** HAPPEN?"

"Well Red's first choice was Agatha but she refused and then Ororo got a hissy fit when she thought she was too young for the part," Mystique sighed. "Irene refused because she predicted that this fic would be a disaster. Then again you don't need to be a precog to figure **that **out."

"So why are you doing it?" Jean asked.

"I needed the extra cash and I was promised alcohol and pain pills," Mystique agreed. "A **lot** of alcohol and pain pills. Let's just get this over with. I was just down at the salon. Jungle Red." She showed Jean her nails.

"Oh…" Jean said. "Did Pietra send you too?"

"No, Tabitha called me right up and told me the whole story," Mystique said. "She feels awful about repeating that story to you."

"Ha!" Jean frowned.

"Then again it's not **her **fault you've been made a fool of," Mystique said. "And not just because of Summers and that slut Frost. Your so called friends stabbed you in the back! I can't believe you fell for that sissy Pietra's trap! Then again figuring out the obvious isn't exactly your strong point."

"This is supposed to be **comforting?**" Jean gave her a look. "I am beginning to understand why Rogue pushed you off that cliff."

"Face it Jean if it wasn't her it would have been some other manicurist," Mystique went on. "If there isn't already one or two out there that's repeating it. If Pietra hasn't said anything then that Emma whore definitely will! You can count on that! Take it from me! Girls like that live to tell all about their conquests."

"Aren't you straying from the script a little bit?" Jean gave her a look.

"Look honey, that old wise motherly crap may have worked in the forties but this is an updated version and you need to wise up and get with it!" Mystique said. "And trust me, if anyone knows about lying cheating men who stab you in the back and two timing tramps that do whatever it takes to get what they want it's **me!"**

"I guess you do have **some** experience on this," Jean remarked. "All right oh wise woman! How **should** I handle this? Frying pan? Double barreled shotgun? Poison in his coffee? Or should I just get the lawyer's number on speed dial when he walks in the door."

"You are going to do **nothing and say nothing,**" Mystique said.

"Yeah **that's** a good plan," Jean rolled her eyes. "Why?"

"Because I know how girls like Frost operate and an unhappy home is what they **thrive on,"** Mystique said. "You have to beat this type of gold digger and short of calling in a few favors from the mob, there's only **one **way! Take the high ground!"

"High ground? Mystique he **cheated** on me!" Jean shouted. "Besides you're the one who's always going on about revenge! How can you just sit there and tell me **not **to do or say anything?"

"Because there are two types of married women in this world," Mystique told her. "One is the type of women who get married as a means to an end. And the other is saps like you who marry for love. And trust me dear, you don't have it in you to make money by marrying and divorcing for it. So you might as well hold onto what you have because that's your best shot for survival."

"I'm also starting to see why Rogue doesn't send you a card for your birthday," Jean gave her a look.

"Do you want my advice or not?" Mystique snapped. "If you want to hold onto your husband you're gonna need it! You're still in love with the idiot aren't you?"

"Yes, but he wrecked all the trust I had in our marriage!" Jean said. "Why do men do these things to us if they claim they love us?"

"Well Jean dear there are two theories," Mystique said. "One is that men are victims of an evolutionary process that makes them look for multiple partners in order for them to pass off their genes and ensure the survival rate of their genetics into the next generation. They are biologically compelled to act a certain way."

"What's the second theory?"

"Men are scum."

"Where did you hear that?" Jean asked.

"Dorothy from the Golden Girls," Mystique shrugged. "It's a great show."

"I like the **second **part of your theory," Jean grumbled.

"It happened to me you know," Mystique said. "With your father."

"My father?" Jean was shocked.

"PLEASE SAY IT'S NOT ME!" Sabertooth, Azazel and Zartan screamed from off camera.

"NO COMMENTS FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY!" Mystique snapped. "No your father…CHARLES XAVIER…"

"Ha ha!" Sabertooth laughed, doing a poor Nelson imitation.

"Not funny Sabertooth!" Xavier snapped off camera.

"Charles cheated on me with another woman," Mystique said. "I know it's hard to believe…"

"No, it's **not,**" Jean said.

"I am never going to live down what happened in the last fic am I?" Xavier sighed off screen.

"WHAT DO **YOU** THINK?" Jean snapped. "Go on Mystique."

"Well as I was saying your father fell into that seven year itch in our fourth year," Mystique sighed. "When men get older and bored with themselves they need to look at themselves through new eyes! It never occurs to them do to something constructive like take up a new hobby, exercise more, redecorate the house or get a hair cut…Okay in Xavier's case that **last **one isn't an option. But you get my point."

"They don't think of that because they're idiots right?" Jean asked.

"You're catching on kid," Mystique nodded. "But eventually I forgave your father and we worked things out. Mostly because we had a child to consider. That and I was getting something on the side so I got him back."

"What?" Jean did a double take.

"Never mind," Mystique waved her hand. "Look do your friends know you know about this?"

"No, I don't think so," Jean said.

"Good," Mystique nodded. "Don't tell them. That's the **last** thing those harpies need to know! They'll talk you right out of your marriage and into divorce court. Especially Pietra. Never did like that smug little backstabbing snitch. I know my sex."

"As the many men in your bedroom can attest to. So what do I do?" Jean asked.

"Well I haven't been feeling well lately," Mystique grinned. "My doctor told me I need a two week vacation in the Bahamas. And since I've been so feeble lately…It would do me good for you to come along with me."

"That's your plan?" Jean asked. "For me to run out of town? Great! That would save Scott with coming up with excuses for not being home every night!"

"Trust me, absence makes the heart grow fonder," Mystique said. "He will miss you when you're gone."

"Really?" Jean gave her a look.

"Especially when you give the help the next two weeks off starting **immediately **and cancel the babysitting services for that time," Mystique grinned. "Nothing brings a husband to heel faster than forcing him to cook his own meals, take care of his house and watch his own children."

"I get it now," Jean smirked.

"And I bet if I ask nicely I'm sure Monet will gladly let her children have a sleepover with little Maddie while you're away," Mystique grinned. "I just have to remember to send them a nice little care package full of candy and sugary treats for that evening."

"You **are** good," Jean blinked. "Maybe casting you in this fic wasn't such a bad idea after all?"

**Next: Showdown at Red's Department store! Ooh! **


	3. The Shop Girl

**The Shop Girl**

Red's Department Store was one of the city's most exclusive and expensive department stores. It was here that both Monet and Pietra were skulking about. "Here we are, sneaking up on her," Pietra grinned.

"Do you really think this is such a good idea?" Monet asked.

"Oh shut up," Pietra snapped. She saw the back side of a woman in a black dress and a long blonde wig. "What do you think of that?"

"Is that her?" Monet whispered.

"Only one way to find out," Pietra grinned as they walked up to her. "Hello?"

She turned around. It was Lucid in a blonde wig. "Can I help you?" He said. "Or better yet can you please help me by **shooting me?"**

"Uh no…From the neck up I'd say no," Pietra grumbled as they moved away. "Unless Summer's tastes have changed to warty and gruesome."

"What about her?" Monet pointed to Althea in a black dress also behind a counter.

"No, we're looking for a blonde," Pietra shook his head. "Hold on, I think we might have something. How about baby over here?" They moved to the next blonde in their sight.

However it turned out to be Xi in a blonde wig and a black dress. "Xiana!" Althea said. "You have another customer!"

"What is it with Red Witch and cross dressing lately?" Monet snorted. "Okay most of these so called women are dogs. That Althea one is the only half decent one here. I wonder how Summers missed her?"

"I just figured it out," Pietra pointed to Emma Frost in a black dress behind a counter. "Pay dirt!"

"Well she does fit the Joan Crawford role," Monet admitted. "And I know they both hate wire hangers."

Emma went into the back room with Xiana. "Look I need you to get up to my apartment and cook dinner!" She told Xiana.

"But I have a date tonight," Xiana preened.

"Will wonders never cease?" Emma raised an eyebrow. "Break it! Come on!"

"But I'm noted for the bad way that I cook," Xiana said. "Okay I'm no Kitty Pryde but still…"

"If you throw a pork chop into a hot oven, what's gonna keep it from getting cooked?" Emma threw up her hands.

"You'd be surprised," Althea quipped as she walked in. "Whatever happened to that hot date you had tonight?"

"It's hotter than ever dear!" Emma said. "Tonight I'm having him dine at my place. It's about time he found out I was a homebody."

**"You?"** Althea snorted. "Why don't you borrow a pack of triplets for the evening. I know where you can get a set cheap!"

"Because I'm all the baby he needs!" Emma said proudly.

"If I do this you have to pay me," Xiana told Emma.

"I'll pay you fifty dollars," Emma said.

"A hundred," Xiana said.

"Fifty and that's final!" Emma bristled.

"You're out of luck," Xiana shrugged.

"HEY! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SETTLE FOR MY PRICE!" Emma snapped.

"Yeah well Red didn't like that part either so she changed it," Xiana shrugged. "In the original the woman paid only two bucks. Times have changed. Two hundred."

"Two hundred? What happened to one hundred?" Emma snapped.

"Inflation," Xiana purred. "And I want half now!"

"Oh all right you highway robber!" Emma paid Xiana. "It'll be worth it!"

"Thank you," Xiana grinned and went on her merry way. "By the way is there anything else in your refrigerator?"

"Yeah cobwebs and a bottle of gin," Althea smirked. The phone rang.

Emma raced to it and answered it. "Hello? Oh hello Scott! What? Well uh, don't worry my sweet. Of course I don't mind you breaking our engagement. Well of course I mind. But it's good discipline for me, to break away of my selfishness of you."

"Oh brother what a line…" Althea grumbled.

Emma gave her a look. "Your wife is what?" She continued on the phone. "Oh well if she's going out of town I suppose it's all right then! We can just go out tomorrow…What do you mean you have to stay and watch the kid? Can't you get a sitter? Some reason they're all booked? Okay I guess so but why….Okay. So the next few days are out of the question. But how could your wife set up a three day slumber party and forget about going on a trip?"

"I could think of a few reasons," Althea smirked.

"Shut up!" Emma hissed. Then she turned on the charm. "Oh it's all right. I just miss you that's all."

"Not to mention all the free meals and money he throws at you," Althea snorted.

"Knock it off," Emma snapped. "I swear I'd use my telepathy on you if I didn't want to catch whatever's in your diseased mind!" Then she turned her attention back to the phone. "I understand you not being about to see me after your wife leaves but…Well I wanted to cook dinner for you myself in my little apartment. Of course I can cook. You don't know half my accomplishments…"

"I'll say he doesn't," Althea grinned.

"Will you get out of here?" Emma hissed at Althea. "Oh that's all right Scott darling, I'll save you a piece of cake. With a candle on it. Oh well I didn't tell you before Scott because I thought you might do something extravagant. Oh it is dear of you to want to be with me on my birthday. I won't be lonely. No honestly I won't. And uh if this weather lets up then my allergies will be better…Oh nothing. It's just nerves. I had a letter from home today. My little sister isn't well."

"What's the matter Emma? She got a hangover?" Althea grinned. "You can always have another birthday next week."

"So help me I am gonna slug you!" Emma hissed putting her hand over the receiver. Then she returned to her act. "I've just been really feeling bad and lonely…Being a telepath I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. All the pain and misery of so many people that come in here. Sometimes I wonder why there's such heartache in the world. Sniff…Oh really? Oh Scott I…Oh yes I understand you can't stay long. Don't worry. We'll make the most of whatever time we have. Yes. Good bye. See you soon Darling! Five minutes at our corner."

"Make up your own prostitute jokes folks," Althea said. "This one is way too easy for me! Then again Frost is pretty easy…"

"Say can you believe that?" Emma snapped as she hung up the phone. "He almost stood me up for his wife!"

"Tsk tsk…" Althea grinned.

"We got a couple of late shoppers for you Emma," Lucid walked in. "They asked for you personally."

"Oh for crying out loud!" Emma grumbled. "If it isn't one thing it's another!" She composed herself and went out to see Pietra and Monet at the counter. "May I help you ladies?"

"Yes I'm looking for a new scent," Pietra grinned as if she was a cat with a mouse in her teeth. "Any recommendations?"

"Would you like something more **subtle**?" Emma quickly scanned their minds with her thoughts. "Or a bit stronger. Like this?" She took out a perfume bottle and sprayed her in the face.

"AAAHHGGH! NO!" Pietra coughed. "NO!"

"Is that what you use?" Monet asked.

"Oh no, it's much to expensive for me," Emma displayed some false modesty.

"Really? Pretty thing like you with all the rich men that float in here?" Pietra sneered.

"I'm afraid most men have **other** women on their minds when they come here," Emma said. "And in some cases no women at all."

"Shouldn't think you'd let **that** disturb you," Pietra picked up a bottle. "Oh look. Here's that new perfume. Summer Rain. That's the same type Jean has. A friend of ours, **Mrs. Scott Summers**. She has this exact same perfume. I'm sure he must have bought it here. I'm sure you wouldn't overlook him."

"I'm not really sure," Emma smiled. "Then again, when one's mind is on one's own business…"

"Of course," Pietra bristled. "And as you probably have **so many** men…"

Some gentle tones rang out. "What's that?" Monet asked.

"It's the bum's rush in melody my dear," Pietra folded her arms. "They want to kick us out. Oh I'm sorry. Are we keeping you from something important?"

It took a lot of self control for Emma not to lose her patience. "Oh that's quite all right."

"Well, I'll take this," Pietra took the cheapest perfume she could find and handed it to her. She handed Emma her credit card.

"Twenty five dollars? My you are getting off economically aren't you?" Emma said.

"Aren't I?" Pietra sneered in a superior fashion and started to walk away from the counter.

"See you around Mrs. LeNosy," Emma took a parting shot.

"That's LeBeau," Pietra bristled. "Impertinent little upstarts! She said that on purpose! Why I ought to…"

"Oh calm down!" Monet dragged her away. "You were so blatantly obvious! It's no wonder she caught on!"

"LeNosy! Indeed! She's laughing at us! I can see it from here!" Pietra bristled some more.

"Why I believe she is! What that smug little…" Monet was getting furious.

"I ought to have her fired!" Pietra shouted. "I'll go straight to the manager and…"

Unfortunately in their haste neither of them noticed a large pushcart behind them and they both fell head over heels into it "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"All aboard!" Althea grinned as she gave the cart a shove and it careened through the store.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Both of them rode into the cart straight into the service elevator. It closed behind them shut.

"Doesn't that go to the basement?" Althea asked.

"Yes and it has all those…" Emma began.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" They heard Monet and Pietra's screams.

"Giant mutant rats," Emma grinned. "Oh goody, they've made new friends. They have **so **much in common!"

**Next: Things start to really heat up! He he…**


	4. The Dressing Room Incident

**The Dressing Room Incident**

Two weeks later…

"I just love home movies don't you?" Jean smiled as Mystique took a tumble into several parked bicycles with her own bicycle.

"I'm telling you there was a wire there!" Mystique protested as she watched the film.

"Sure there was," Madelyne grinned at the footage. "Look it's your fishing trip. Oh Grandmother you dropped the precious camera!"

"Precious camera my eye!" Mystique snapped. "Your precious grandmother dropped straight into the ocean! Or should I say was shoved?"

"Well you know how my telekinesis gets out of control," Jean whistled.

"All right! Home movies are over!" Mystique turned off the DVD player. "Scram kiddo! The grownups need to talk."

"Oh like I don't know what you're gonna talk about?" Madelyne grumbled as she left the room. "Daddy and I missed you a lot you know? He finally had to take me to the zoo in order to cheer me up!"

"Oh you wanted to see more hyenas like you?" Mystique sneered.

"So much for the loving grandmother role," Madelyne said. "Hyenas are more maternal than you! And have better hair."

"Why you…?" Mystique growled.

"I also saw Monet at the zoo," Madelyne said.

"Who was she visiting? The snakes?" Mystique quipped.

"She said she'd call you that evening in Bermuda," Madelyne remarked.

"You didn't say anything about that," Mystique blinked at Jean.

"Oh did I?" Jean shrugged. "I guess they didn't say anything worth reporting."

"I'll bet they didn't," Mystique narrowed her eyes. "Run along Jean Jr. Mommy needs to have her head examined."

"Just don't scream too loud. Do you have any idea how thin these walls are?" Madelyne gave a parting shot.

"Does she have any idea how hard my hand is?" Mystique growled.

"Oh forget about her. Now what is it you wanted to talk to me about?" Jean asked.

"That phone call for one thing," Mystique said. "Jean one of the points of that trip was to get you away from gossip like that! Is that why we hurried back two days earlier than scheduled? What did those cows say to you?"

"Nothing," Jean said.

"Nothing my eye! Tell me!" Mystique snapped.

"You are so suspicious," Jean said. "In fact I'm happy we came home when we did. Scott has spent every evening at home with me since we returned."

"Jean, we've only been back three days," Mystique gave her a look. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you're happy."

"I've very happy," Jean said to her. "How about you come with me and meet up with the girls at the fashion show and big sale at Worthington's this afternoon?"

"And listen to Monet and Pietra? I'd sooner be set on fire," Mystique grunted.

"That can be arranged!" Madelyne shouted from off stage. "Pyro owes me a favor!"

"QUIET YOU!" Mystique snapped.

"You don't humor my friends enough Mother dear," Jean smiled.

"Humoring some of them ought to cut their throats," Mystique pointed out. "Jean they are reveling in your personal troubles! Normally so would I but this is a different occasion. Just promise me that now that you're home you will not say anything or do anything rash. Don't commit to anything. Keep your mouth shut no matter how tempted you are to talk to someone!"

"They won't get a thing out of me," Jean said.

"Good," Mystique said. "Just remember Jean whatever happens, whatever you do. **Don't **make a scene!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The fashion show at Worthington's department store was always the height of the season. Many women gathered around the large buffet after the fashion show. "Oooh! Look at all the food!" Monet sighed. "It goes straight to my thighs!"

"We know," Pietra quipped. "Oh but you're so thin Jean! Not eating out of worry?"

"No, I just know how to keep my mouth shut," Jean smiled back. "Did you know in the original movie even though it was in black and white there was this one scene that was completely in color? It was the fashion show."

"How interesting," Pietra sniffed. "Oh speaking of fashion, I bet Scott has been trying a new thing or two since you went away."

"Oh look there's the Princess Ororo wearing the nicest dress," Jean changed the subject and went over to her.

"She can't stand it!" Pietra cackled gleefully, knowing wounded prey when she saw it. She and Monet followed over to the famous model/royal figure Princess Ororo. "You know that outfit is pretty good. But you're wearing it all wrong Ororo!"

"Excuse me, but who is the fashion expert here?" Ororo gave a cool look to Pietra in her expensive tasteful dress. "Okay maybe it's a tie…"

"Look uh Princess Ororo you really shouldn't hassle the customers," Amara hiccupped. "Was that my line or someone elses?"

"It's all right. They're old friends. It's just a little professional rivalry," Jean told her.

"Of course we are," Pietra sniffed. "She adores the LeBeau family. Particularly **my husband!"**

"Are you accusing me of flirting with your husband?" Ororo asked.

"No, my pet I'm accusing you of **trying,**" Pietra sniffed. "I'd like to see Remy LeBeau bat an eye at another woman!"

"Well I have," Ororo smiled. "And she's not half bad." She walked away.

"What the?" Pietra did a double take. "What did she mean by **that crack**? I oughta…"

"Oh forget about it," Jean steered her away. "Let's just try on some clothes."

"I've always hated that creature! The way she flaunts her title! Ha! Well if there is one thing I'm sure of in this world it's Remy LeBeau! He'll never pull the wool over my eyes!" Pietra snorted as she was dragged away.

"Wanna bet?" Amara hiccupped. "Oooh, look at all the pretty bunnies."

"You had more coffee I see," Pietra rolled her eyes. "Boy Red's keeping you pretty soused!"

"And I've never been happier…" Amara grinned. "I've even forgotten about What's her name…The skank who stole Sunspot from me. Sunspot's Skank…"

"Starla?" Pietra asked.

"Yeah, Sunspot's skank Starla…" Amara got a bit annoyed.

"I think that's her over there," Pietra pointed. Then shoved Amara away.

"HEY THIS ISN'T STARLA! IT'S A MOP!" Amara hiccupped. "Same hairstyle though… No wait, the mop is better."

Several models were showing various outfits for the women to consider trying on in a large dressing room area with several private rooms. Soon they were looking at one nightgown. "How divine! I know I shouldn't ask but how much?" Jean asked the saleslady in charge, Angelica Jones.

"Two hundred and twenty five," Angelica said.

"It is just a nightgown isn't it?" Jean asked. "Oh I don't know."

"Oh get it Jean!" Pietra said. "If Scott doesn't notice the nightgown, he'll notice the bill!"

"Well maybe…" Jean began.

"I'll take that," Emma sailed in wearing a stylish white dress. "Put it on my account. "I could use a few more gowns like that on my account." She walked out with Angelica following her.

"Oh Jean! I'm so sorry! You poor darling!" Pietra gasped as Emma moved out of earshot.

"How humiliating! Oh Jean you must be dying!" Monet choked.

"Why? I didn't even want the…" Jean was confused.

"Jean don't you know who that **is?**" Pietra asked.

"No, who?" Jean asked.

"That's Emma Frost!" Pietra said.

Jean's face froze. "She's rather pretty isn't she?"

"Pretty huh!" Pietra snorted. "As Jezebels go!"

"Did you hear that brazen thing?" Monet hissed. "At two and a quarter she just snatched up that nightgown right out from your nose! You're not just gonna stand by and let that common little…"

"Sorry girls I have to try on some things," Jean got up and in a daze went into her dressing room.

Pietra made a face and decided to do some snooping. She followed Emma as she went to her dressing room. She kept out of sight but listened into her conversation with Angelica. "Will you open a charge?" Angelica asked.

"Oh yes," Emma said.

"May I have your other charges?" Angelica asked. "Saks, Bergoffs? Cartier? Macys?"

"I'll be opening those in a few days," Emma said. "And I'm getting a new bank account soon."

"Uh I kind of need a business reference here," Angelica said.

"Oh yes, Mr. Scott Summers," Emma said. "I know him socially…"

"I'll **bet** she does," Pietra growled before going across the hallway to see Jean in her dressing room right across from Emma's. "Boy talk about irony! Jean! Jean you will not believe this!"

"Pietra not now," Jean was in a formal red evening dress trying to compose herself.

"Yes now! That creature is in a dressing room right across from yours spending your husband's **money**!" Pietra snapped. "Don't you even care?"

"Pietra I don't want to talk about it!" Jean snapped.

"Jean why won't you confide in me?" Pietra pleaded in her most motherly voice.

"Pietra leave me alone!" Jean pleaded.

"I will not! You think I'm just going to stand by while that vile creature makes a fool out of you?" Pietra bristled. "That I would stand calmly by while you hide your head in the sand like some ostrich you are very much mistaken! You're the only one in the city who doesn't know all about this! Remy said that Scott hasn't been seen in the club for **months**! And he gets out of work early for weeks!"

"Pietra…" Jean massaged her temples.

"She's buying everything in her sight with money that rightfully should be spent by you!" Pietra went on. "If you don't believe me look across the hallway for yourself! Oh Jean, you'd feel so much better if you just talk this out with someone. Scott is an absolute worm spending money on a girl like that! Do you like being made to look ridiculous in front of **all** your friends? Look at where she was six months ago! And look where she is now! This is your chance to put an **end **to this thing! Go over there and calmly explain to her that you won't put up with any sort of behavior like this from now on! Tell her you'd make Scott's life an absolute **tornado** until he gives her up! Just go in there!"

"Go in there? I'm going **home!**" Jean decided.

Then Pietra played the one card she **knew** would work. "Well she may be a good influence on Scott, but she's not going to do your **child** any good."

"What?" Jean stopped and turned around. "What about my daughter?"

"Look I wanted to tell you this over the phone while you were in the islands but Monet wouldn't let me," Pietra told her. "But far be it from me to tell you things you don't want to hear!"

"What's this got to do with my child!" Jean fumed.

"All right," Pietra let loose the hounds. "It was while you were away. Monet saw them at the park and they were all together. Scott, your daughter and that monster! She had her arm around her and they were having a hilarious time! Like one big happy family! And she was kissing not only Scott but Madelyne between every bite! I just felt so heartsick dear…But as you say it's your affair not mine."

Pietra moved away and Jean felt like she was going to faint. "I have no doubt that that girl will make a perfectly good step mama for your daughter," Pietra sniffed before she left the dressing room.

That did it. Jean got up and still in the evening dress went to the other room. She knocked on the door. "Come in," Emma called.

Jean opened the door. Emma was wearing an elegant flashy evening gown. "I beg your pardon," Emma looked at her.

"I am Mrs. Scott Summers," Jean said calmly.

"Uh I'm sorry," Emma coughed. "I don't know you."

"I believe it's my husband you know," Jean said evenly.

"So Scott's finally told you?" Emma folded her arms. "Personally I'm glad you know. Can get rid of all this ridiculous cloak and dagger business."

"He hasn't told me a thing," Jean said calmly. "I've known this whole time."

"That'll be news to Scott," Emma smirked.

"I haven't said anything because I knew it wouldn't take Scott long to get fed up," Jean said.

"Don't lay any bets on that," Emma said haughtily.

"You've been seeing my daughter. That's what I've come in here to tell you," Jean said in a dark tone of voice. "Stay away from her."

"It's not her I'm interested in," Emma said. "You don't have to get hysterical. What do I care about your daughter? I'm sick of hearing about her."

"You don't have to hear about her any more," Jean said. "Because you and my husband aren't going to see each other."

"That's rather up to Scott isn't it?" Emma gave her a look.

"Completely," Jean smirked. "So you'd better start making other plans Ms. Frost."

"Listen," Emma said. "I've taken great care with this. I only take marching orders from Scott. He seems to be satisfied with this arrangement. So don't force any issues unless you want to cause a lot of trouble."

"You've made it impossible for me to do anything else!" Jean fumed.

"You're very sure of yourself aren't you?" Emma asked.

"Yes," Jean said. "Because I know Scott could never love a girl like you."

"Well if he couldn't he's an awfully good actor," Emma stared her down. "And why do you care about this? You're the one who's got it all. The money, the clothes, the station in life. You even have a kid you can use to your advantage to get child support if you have to!"

"My husband's love means more to me than that," Jean said.

"Oh can the sob stuff, Jean dear," Emma snorted. "You noble wives and mothers bore me to tears."

"You're a hard one aren't you?" Jean asked.

"I can be soft, on occasion," Emma smiled. "Look what did you expect me to do? Burst into tears and beg you to forgive me?"

"Not after seeing you," Jean sniffed. "You're even more typical than I hoped."

"Honey that goes double," Emma growled. "Listen. I'd break up your happy home if I could but I don't stand a chance. Oh don't think it's not because Scott's crazy for me, which he is. But he's far too sentimental to throw anything old out. And it's that sentiment that gets them every time."

"I'm glad you recognize the value of sentiment," Jean said stiffly. "Because it's beauty is something you will never know."

"This happens to be my room Mrs. Summers," Emma opened the door to show her out.

"Yes it is. Temporarily. Like everything else in your life," Jean said. "May I give you some advice? If you're dressing to please Scott I'd wear something else. He doesn't like something that's too **flashy and obvious**."

"Thanks for the advice," Emma moved in for the kill. "But when Scott doesn't like something I like, I take it **off!**"

POW!

Jean punched Emma right in the face. "MY NOSE!" Emma yelled as she held her nose. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I PAID TO FIX IT YOU BLOODY COW?"

"Well then get your checkbook ready sister," Jean flared up. "Because by the time I'm through with you, you're gonna need a complete renovation!"

"Bring it on!" Emma turned into her diamond form and attacked Jean full force. Soon both women were fighting outside, literally tearing up the dressing room area.

"So **this** is what she calls knowing Scott Summers socially?" Angelica sneered to the other salesgirls and every other woman in the area.

"Now she's in the soup," Tayrn agreed. "Fifty will get you a hundred that Jean gets sued for more than divorce when she cleans Frost's clock!"

"I feel so bad for Jean," Angelica sighed. "She should have kept her mouth shut."

POW!

"Not to mention duck left when she leaned right," Angelica said. "I'll take fifty bucks on Frost!"

"Yeah well Frost is gonna lose this match," Pietra quipped.

"But you know she's gonna win in the end," Angelica pointed out. "Frost is smart. She's fixed it so anything Scott says is gonna sound wrong!"

"She is gonna get him for sure!" Monet agreed.

"Look at that body she has! She's got him now!" Pietra agreed.

"You can't trust any man!" Angelica agreed. "That's all they ever want."

"What else have we got to give?" Amara blinked.

"Well you're full of self esteem aren't you?" Pietra quipped.

"It was a line in the original movie. Don't blame me," Amara said.

POW!

"This **didn't** happen in the original movie," Amara blinked as the two women went at it.

"They also didn't take bets on how the fight was going either," Pietra said. "But then again this is Red's vision so who am I to argue? Give me twenty five hundred on Jean in less than three rounds!"

"You're on!" Monet agreed as the other women put down their bets.

"TAKE THAT!" Jean shouted as she telekinetically threw Emma threw the wall, making a huge hole in it.

"Jean how could you do that?" Amara gasped.

"It wasn't easy," Jean snarled. "I think she gained weight. I bet Mystique is going to be sorry she missed this!"

**Next: Things really hit the fan now! **


	5. Abdication

**Abdication**

"Unbelievable," Mystique groaned as she read the headline of the following day's newspaper: MUTANT MARITAL MAYHEM! DUELING DAMSELS IN DEPARTMENT STORE!

"I tell her to keep her mouth shut and **not** cause a scene and what does she **do?** Gets into a screaming match with that tramp and trashes a department store! SMART MOVE JEAN!" Mystique snapped.

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A week later at the salon…

"How did I get this freaking job?" Callisto grumbled as she guided Pietra through her exercises. "Up, over and up and over!"

Pietra was barely doing them. She had her mouth to exercise. "I begged Jean not to go in there! I pleaded with her! But did she listen to me? No! I said 'Jean where's your dignity' and…"

Just then Callisto quickly bent Pietra's leg. "OWWWWW! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"

"You need to stay limber," Callisto grinned. "Now I remember why I took it. Sit ups! Come on! One and two…"

"Oh no more I need a break…" Pietra groaned.

"Rest a moment and relax your diaphragm muscles…if you can," Callisto murmured the last part.

"I just wish she'd make up her mind and figure out if she's going to get a divorce or not! It's terrible for her not to tell her friends at least!" Pietra grumbled. "She never should have faced the issue like that head on! She should have taken time for it to taper off! But does she listen to **my** advice? No!"

"Just do your damn sit ups!" Callisto snapped. "Move it!"

"Oh all right all right," Pietra grumbled. "I tell Jean whatever she wants to do I'll stand by her. I've got to be loyal you know? Oohhhhhhh! I'm so exhausted!"

"Then try your legs crawl slowly up the wall," Callisto suggested.

"The way you say that makes me feel like vermin," Pietra grunted.

"That shouldn't be much effort," Callisto snorted.

"Say am I paying for this abuse or does it cost extra?" Pietra snapped.

"Oh Pietra!" Amara ran in. "I'm sorry I'm late!"

"No skin off of my nose," Callisto shrugged. "I get paid by the hour. Now pay attention to your posture. A lady enters the room erect."

"A lot of mine exit horizontally," Pietra grumbled.

"Pyro's furious with me for letting you pay for these exercises," Amara told her.

"He ought to be grateful he's not paying for them himself," Pietra grunted as they exercised. "Are you still giving him an allowance from your inheritance?"

"Yes but he resents just taking just a tiny bit of it," Amara frowned.

"The only reason he resents it is because he's not getting any more," Pietra told her. "Just hold onto your income dear. It's the only protection a woman has nowadays."

"Oh Pietra!" Monet ran in her face covered with mud. "I have to talk to you!"

"What are you doing here?" Pietra stopped exercising.

"I'm having a facial downstairs," Monet said. "Darling I've done the most awful thing!"

"Ladies and I use that term loosely we're trying to exercise here!" Callisto snapped. "You weak willed…"

"Oh go tell someone who cares that I want my massage!" Pietra waved. "Now there's a good girl!"

"You've hardly moved a muscle you lazy…" Callisto snapped.

"Say whose carcass is this? Yours or mine?" Pietra interrupted.

"It's yours but you pay me to exercise it!" Callisto snapped. "Not enough by the way."

"You talk like a horse trainer," Pietra grumbled.

"You're getting warmer," Callisto grunted as she left the room.

"What the? Did you get her innuendo?" Pietra snorted.

"Forget her! Darling I've done the most ghastly thing," Monet said. "I was having lunch with Kitty Pryde, the gossip columnist and…"

"And you told her something about me?" Pietra bristled.

"Darling I'd never give you away!" Monet said. "But what I said was that at the fight that she ripped the clothes right off the Frost woman. Or something like that. I may have exaggerated a teensy bit."

"Not in this fic," Pietra said.

"But then I said that the divorce was practically final and I know it will be in all those dreadful scandal sheets," Monet said.

"Really? Where did you hear that? Who said it?" Pietra's ears perked up.

"You did," Monet gave her a look.

"I said that Jean can't be expected to air her dirty laundry and not expect them to wind up in a scandal!" Pietra snapped.

"Jean didn't broadcast it!" Amara snapped.

"Well then who did?" Pietra snapped.

"You did!" Amara stood up. "You've made it impossible for Jean! That's the sort of talk that mixes everything up!"

"Oh fine! I'll fix it up by giving Kitty a call and say you were lying," Pietra grunted as she was about to leave the room.

"You'll do no such thing!" Monet snapped.

"Well then let the story ride," Pietra shrugged. "You remember a few years ago when they printed the most awful things about what's her name before she jumped out the window? There I can't even remember her name so who cares?" She left the room.

"That Pietra is a perfectly dreadful woman and I am gonna tell her so!" Amara snapped.

"Oh she's all right," Monet sighed. "It's just her bad luck she wasn't born deaf and dumb. Now take me I've never had a fight with a friend and why? I stay out of women's troubles. I hear no evil, I see no evil and I speak no evil."

"You just **report **evil all the day long!" Amara snorted as she began to leave.

"Oh please I'm just relaxing with a little gossip," Monet said.

"Then you should be relaxed completely from the neck up!" Amara snapped as she left.

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Later that night at the Summers home…

"Tsk tsk…" Rahne the cook/maid sighed as she read the paper. "More lies about Jean. When will it end?"

That's when the other maid, Paige ran in. "Well?" Rahne asked her.

"Well it's come!" Paige told her. "The big showdown between Jean and Scott! She said that he's made it impossible for her! That she can't even walk down the street without people pointing at her on account of her picture being in all the papers!"

"Ain't that the truth," Rahne poured her a cup of coffee. "Go on!"

"Well then Scott blames it all on the girlfriend for spilling it all and on her friends for stirring up the whole mess!" Paige went on.

"Well that ain't far from wrong either," Rahne agreed.

"It's enough to lose your faith in marriage," Paige sighed.

"Whose faith in marriage?" Rahne scoffed.

"Don't you believe in marriage?' Paige said.

"Sure I do for women, but it's the sons of Adam they gotta marry," Rahne said. "Unless they're extremely lucky."

"Something about you we should know about?" Paige asked.

"Don't get smart with me," Rahne gave her a look. "What else?"

"Well Scott said 'I told you I'd give her up and I did and I was a swine about it'," Paige reported. "How do you suppose he did that?"

"I dunno. Probably said something like 'Scram the wife is onto us,'" Rahne mocked. "What else?"

"Then Jean seemed a bit hurt and she said 'Would you like to go back to her Scott'? in a real quiet voice," Paige went on.

"And did he lie through his teeth?"

"Well the way he said he didn't I kind of believed him," Paige admitted. "But Jean didn't buy it. She said 'You should really make your lies a bit more convincing! Besides I'm a telepath! I may be gullible but I'm not stupid!'"

"Good for her," Rahne nodded.

"Then Scott asked, 'Aren't you ever gonna trust me again, Jean?'" Paige went on.

"I hope she said no," Rahne grunted. "You can't trust none of 'em any further than I can kick a linebacker down a field."

"Oh then he said that she wasn't like that," Paige added. "That she was a good girl."

"I'll bet she was," Rahne snorted.

"He said that she wasn't a gold digger. In fact she refused to take any type of gift from him for months."

"Oh that's a sly one all right," Rahne snorted. "She'd have to be to get Mr. Summers."

"Well that's what Jean said!" Paige said. "She says: 'Scott don't you see that woman is using you? You're nothing more than a free meal ticket to her?' And then he got sore!"

"Sure, no man wants to admit that only his wife is fool enough to love him," Rahne agreed.

Paige went on. "Then Jean starts in on him on taking little Madelyne off to lunch with that creature. And Scott said that the girl just happened to be there at the same time and they made a day of it on the spur of the moment."

"Yeah and a fox just **happens** to be near the henhouse the minute the guard dog goes on vacation to Hawaii," Rahne snorted.

"And that's the way she took it. So then Scott gets mad and starts telling her what a good husband he's been so far. And a good provider and everything. So then Jean starts in saying that as a wife she hasn't been that shabby herself," Paige recounted.

"Anyone who's been married knows that line backwards and forwards," Rahne agreed.

"And then, get this," Paige said. "Scott then has the gall to say: Jean I may have been a heel but you've always been first with me! And then she got mad and said that his ideas of love and marriage were very different from hers! She didn't really feel like being part of a group even if she was first!"

"First! That's a good one!"

"And then Scott said 'Jean, I know you're angry with me but remember we have a child and we do owe something to her. And that's when she **really** hit the roof!" Paige told her.

"Sure! No woman wants to be told that she's being kept on just to run a kindergarten!" Rahne agreed.

"Then Scott said, 'Jean you've known about us for weeks! Why did you have to wait until now to make a fool of me?'!" Paige kept telling the story.

"As if he needed **her** help," Rahne chuckled.

"And then Jean said, 'A fool of you? You've been making a fool of **me!' **And then she starts throwing a few things around and they started to yell which I couldn't make out. Then she said: "Scott, we can't go on like this'."

"So how did it end?" Rahne asked.

"Oh it ain't over," Paige waved her hand. "They're still fighting about it."

"Then what the devil are you sitting down here for?" Rahne snapped, practically shoving her out the door. "Go on up there! Tomorrow we might be out of a job!"

"Nice to see where **your **priorities lie," Paige grumbled as she ran upstairs. She came back soon afterwards. "Okay! Okay! Listen up! The first thing I heard when I got there was Jean saying: 'Scott! I want a divorce'!"

"Abdication!" Rahne gasped.

"Well Rahne you could have knocked him down with a feather…"

"I'd like to knock him down with something stronger," Rahne said.

"Scott said he didn't blame her. How could he?" Paige reported. "He said then that she shouldn't decide on something so rash so quickly and that she should think things over. He'd go away for a while to get some fresh air."

"HA! The old hat trick!" Rahne grunted.

"Jean saw right through that! Fresh air? She says. Is the air so much fresher at the Savoy? That's the hotel Frost is staying at," Paige reported. "Then Scott said 'For crying out loud Jean, one minute you never want to see me again and the next I can't even step outside'! Then she said, 'You want to go outside? I'll show **you **outside!'"

"Can't trust none of 'em as far as you can throw 'em," Rahne agreed.

"That's what she did," Paige pointed out the window. "Right into the pool!"

"WHAT IS IT WITH JEAN TOSSING ME INTO POOLS?" Scott was heard screaming.

"I feel so bad for Jean," Paige sighed. "How can a man claim to be in love with his wife but then go out and have feelings for someone else?"

"I dunno," Rahne sighed. "But the person who **does** figure that out should get that prize they give out in Sweden."

**Next: Jean goes off to Reno to get a divorce and meets some new friends along the way! **


	6. Meet New Friends

**Meet New Friends**

"Jean listen to me," Mystique snapped at Jean as she headed for the train to Reno. "You are making a mistake!"

"If this is such a mistake then why isn't Scott fighting this?" Jean told her.

"Because he's an **idiot** and he actually believes this is what you want!" Mystique snapped. "Even I can tell you're still in love with the big dope!"

"Mother it's done and finished!" Jean said.

"Jean did it ever occur to you that Scott might actually **marry** that awful woman?" Mystique snapped.

"Well it takes one to know one!" Jean snapped as she got on the train. "Besides he won't really do it. He's still in love with me. He just needs me to go away for him to realize it. I'll see you in a few weeks."

"I can't believe she's actually taking a train to Reno to get divorced!" Mystique snapped. "And who takes a train these days anyway?"

"Makes it easier to push you in front of the tracks," Jean grumbled to herself.

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However it seemed that Jean would have some company on the trip. "Oh Jean! Who would have thought that I would be on the train to Reno too?" Amara sobbed. "PYRO YOU ARE A JERK!"

"Yeah this is gonna be a fun trip," Jean sighed. "Not that I'm really surprised about this, but what was it that finally made you decide to divorce him? Was it the pyromania? The time he burned down your apartment? His cheapness? His insanity?"

"He said I put on a little weight…" Amara growled.

"Oh boy…" Jean winced.

"NOBODY CALLS ME FAT! NOBODY!" Amara yelled. "I'M GONNA TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS! I'll RIP HIS HEART OUT!"

"Uh Amara you do know you're supposed to be upset in this scene right?" Jean asked.

"The only protection I have is my own little income," Amara said. "Which I will use to **crush **Pyro! HA HA HA HA!"

"Now you're sounding like Pietra," Jean blinked. "It's rather frightening."

"Well in this instance she's right," Amara grumbled. "Oh Jean…Listen to the wheels. Do they seem to be saying anything?"

"Uh, no?" Jean gulped.

"They're saying…Go back, go back…" Amara whispered. "Go back…AND KILL THAT JERK PYRO!"

"Looks like the medication has worn off," Jean sighed.

"BURN HIM! I'M GONNA BURN HIM TO THE GROUND!" Amara shouted. "No wait, he'd actually **like** that. I'm gonna get the biggest ice cube I can find, tie him to it and drown him in the ocean! HA HA HA HA HA! YES I WILL GO BACK! GO BACK FOR VENGENCE!"

"I think I'm going to check out the bar," Jean left the cabin. "And I think I just figured out one of the reasons train travel was so popular back then."

There were a few other women at the bar as well. The Baroness was dragging along Jamie in a dress. "Mommy, won't Daddy come to Reno?" Jamie asked in his most innocent voice. "Where is Daddy?"

"I don't know and I don't care!" The Baroness snapped. "In the future you will refer to him as that heel!"

"Oh oh ho," A very large woman in a huge blond wig, fake fur coat and yellow dress laughed.

"Oh my," Jean blinked. "Fred? Okay Red you have some serious issues here."

"Hey if Quicksilver can dress up so can I! I am the Countess Fredericka DaLove! But you can call me Fred. Why don't you join me for some champagne?"

"Okay…Fred…" Jean went over to the bar. "This fic just gets weirder and weirder."

"You look so desolate! You also look so familiar," Fred twittered.

"I'm Mrs. Scott Summers," Jean said. "Call me Jean."

"Oh yes! My dear those crummy newspaper pictures didn't do you half justice!" Fred smiled. "Pull up a drink and sit a while! Let's all have a little party!"

"Smells like you **already** started a little party," Jean blinked.

"I'm not really drinking! It's apple cider," Fred whispered. "I'm acting!"

"Oh good job," Jean decided to play along.

"Yeah! Oh you dearie! You over there! Come join us!" Fred waved to a woman in the corner.

"Don't mind if I do," A familiar auburn and white haired woman in a green dress walked up to the bar.

"This sweet little thing is getting her first divorce too," Fred introduced them. "A dear friend of mine! What did you say your name was again?"

"Rogue, pleased to meet you," Rogue smiled.

"This is Mrs. Summers," Fred said. Then leaned in and whispered. "You know? Yanked the scalp off that Frost woman?"

"Oh yeah? Good for you," Rogue grinned.

"Cheer up sweeties! Wait until you lost as many husbands as I have," Fred poured the drinks. "And some of them were actually mine. I've been divorced, married, widowed, married, divorced, married, divorced…Well you get the picture. All for La Amour! That's French for love! Where the heart leads I always follow! That and my stomach."

"We figured that. Well, happy days!" Rogue toasted.

"Happy nights!" Fred toasted. They drank. "Rogue is a singer! I bet she's made some great hauls from her adoring fans."

"More like an excess of extra laundry I'd never use even if I did wash it," Rogue wrinkled her nose. "I'm afraid the days of orchids and diamonds are long gone Sugar."

"Isn't that a pity," Fred sighed. "But I barely got a dime out of anyone except my first husband. He's one of the two that died on me. Oh he said the most touching thing about me in his will. He said: To my beloved wife Freddy I leave my entire estate to be handled by my expert accountants. Because she is a grade A schlemiel."

"Any ladle is sweet that dishes out the gravy," Rogue pointed out.

"That's true, none of my other husbands ever gave me a dime!" Fred sighed. "That's why I had to use my lawyers in divorce court to get it all! La amour! La amour! How can it let you down. But then how can it pick you up again! Where are we anyway?"

"The mountains," Jean told her.

"Oh I hate mountains," Fred sighed. "They remind me of my fifth husband made me climb to the top of the mountain and before I knew it he had pushed me! I had slid half way down the mountain when I realized that my husband didn't love me anymore! But love takes care of those who believe in love! I slid right into the arms of my sixth husband the count!"

"Well isn't that the bird you're divorcing now?" Rogue blinked.

"Of course! What else was I supposed to do?" Fred startled. "I caught him putting poison in my soup!"

"Poison!" Jean coughed. "You're not a very good judge of character are you?"

"No, I don't marry them for character," Fred sighed. She looked at Jean. "But you did, didn't you?" Jean nodded. "And where did it get you? On the train to Reno! My way well, it may not last until death but it's fun while it hangs together! What did you pick yours for Rogue?"

"Not for character," Rogue smiled before she drank.

"That's right! And where did she end up?" Fred asked. "On the train to Reno! No matter what you pick them for where does it get you?"

"On the train to Reno!" Rogue smiled.

"On the train to Reno," Jean smiled.

"Let's have another little drinky poo," Fred grinned. "To Reno! The biggest little city in the world! The American cradle of liberty!"

"To Reno!" Rogue held up her glass. "Beautiful emblem of the great divide!"

"To Reno," Jean held up her glass.

"And new friends! Everybody drink!" Fred whooped.

"Well you can't be any worse than the ones I left back home," Jean conceded. "Cheers!"

**Next: Welcome to Reno! Enjoy the fireworks! **


	7. Where There's Often Heard A Discouraging

**Where There's Often Heard A Discouraging Word**

"_Oh give me a clone...Of Sylvester Stallone…"_ Daisy Mae Dukes, owner and manager of the Triple X Ranch sang as she got the mail and went into the kitchen. _"And we'd go out and have fun all day! Then we'd go on a date! And stay out late and with George Clooney we'd have a three…_Oh hi there! Amara! Didn't see you!"

"Oh hello Daisy Mae," Amara sighed as she sat at the table having decaffeinated tea. "Freddie was right about this ranch being nice and relaxing."

"She should know. She's been here so many times I should devote an entire wing to her," Daisy Mae snickered.

"You've seen a lot of divorcees haven't you?" Amara asked.

"Been boarding 'em for over thirty years," Daisy Mae grinned. "And I've seen it all."

"Daisy Mae…Have any…Have any of them gone back and made their marriage work?" Amara asked.

"Sure. There are those that always do," Daisy Mae shrugged. "And then there are those that go back and realize that they never should have. Then there are those that just plain can't make up their minds. In fact I had one girl that went back and forth so many times she had to register herself in order to vote here! But it worked out in the end."

"Oh they made up?"

"Nah, she ran him over with her Buick," Daisy Mae said.

"Have you seen Jean?" Amara asked. "I have to talk to her."

"Well she should be here pretty soon," Daisy Mae said. "She'll be getting back from her divorce procedures any minute."

"Already? It's only been a few weeks," Amara asked.

"That's why people come to Reno, it's a lot faster," Daisy Mae said.

"Come a ty yi yippie yi ya everyone!" Fred in a cowgirl outfit moseyed on in with a huge jug.

"How's tricks Countess?" Daisy Mae smirked.

"Oh fine! A wonderful day for a ride!" Fred grinned. "Oh Amara did you see the doctor?"

"Yeah but I want to talk to Jean alone…" Amara sighed.

"You're knocked up ain't ya?" Daisy Mae said.

"Daisy Mae!" Amara gasped.

"Just moving the plot of the story alone dear," Daisy Mae said.

"Thank goodness it's only in the story," Amara grumbled. "If I was pregnant with Pyro's child for real, I'd jump off the nearest cliff!"

"Hello Countess! Hello Sunshine," Rogue walked in wearing a bathing suit.

"Rogue uh…" Amara blinked.

"Don't worry dear, I have my special little friend on," Rogue showed her a power dampener on her neck that looked like a necklace. "You're all perfectly safe."

"Amara I know you can't drink in your condition but everyone else is free to drink!" Fred poured some drink. "Tomorrow I shall finally be free! Free as a bird! Oh but whither, whither shall I fly?"

"Into the arms of our local cowboy, Lance Alvers," Rogue smirked as she took a sip.

"OH GOD NO! EVEN KITTY WOULD BE BETTER THAN THAT!" Lance shouted off stage.

"SHUT UP LANCE! AT LEAST I KNOW HOW TO COOK!" Fred snapped.

"You have a point…" Lance admitted.

"WHAT?" Kitty shouted offstage.

"Quiet in the peanut gallery!" Daisy Mae snapped. "Let's get on with the fic!"

"Hey that guy hasn't been arousing your honorable intentions has he?" Rogue asked as Amara and Daisy Mae went out of the room a moment.

"So what if he has? I've always put my faith in love! Still I've already had five divorces, dare I risk a sixth?" Fred sighed.

"What are you risking Countess or do I not want to know?" Rogue asked.

"I'll never make a success of him in society," Fred sighed.

"If I had your dough I'd sell him to the radio," Rogue suggested. "Country Rock Westerns are really popular."

"Hmmm, that's an idea," Fred grinned. "Why not? I'll turn him into a rock star! L'amour! L'amour! But tell me Rogue? When are you gonna tell us your great secret? Like who's the man in your life?"

"Well…" Rogue looked around. "All right. I'd have said something sooner but I found out his wife is a friend of our little palsy walsies!"

"Oooh! I like this!" Fred grinned. "Who is it?"

"Ever hear of Pietra LeBeau?" Rogue smirked. "Well it's the dame's husband, Remy!"

"How sweet!" Fred giggled.

"Yeah and all he had to do to get rid of her was…" Rogue began. But a commotion interrupted them. "Tell you later!"

"Can't believe how fast that was," Jean sighed as she walked in with Amara and Daisy Mae. "Twelve years gone in twelve minutes!"

"How does it feel to be free?" Rogue asked.

"Great," Jean shrugged.

"You're lying," Rogue gave her a look.

"Have it your own way," Jean shrugged. "As my last official act in Reno I am going to prepare supper for us tonight. Ribs. Lots of 'em!"

"I like the sound of that!" Fred grinned. The doorbell rang. "What's that?"

"The doorbell," Daisy Mae went to answer the door. "Got a new border coming in!"

"Oh a new friend! Who is it?" Fred asked as she opened the door.

"I don't believe it…" Jean gasped when she saw who it was.

"Hello Girls," Pietra sighed as she put down her suitcase. "Move over…"

"Pietra?" Amara gasped.

"Pietra?" Both Fred and Rogue recognized her even though she didn't know them.

"Pietra!" Jean gasped. "What happened?"

"I had a sudden yearning for cactus and tumbleweeds," Pietra snorted. "What do you think happened! That creep Remy LeBeau kicked me out! Kicked **me** out!"

"HALLELUIAH!" Remy shouted from off stage. "PRAISE THE LORD!"

"SHUT UP YOU!" Pietra snapped. He looked at Fred and Rogue. "More members of the big Round up?"

"Yes this is the Countess Fred and Rogue," Jean said. "But Pietra what are you doing here? What happened?"

"Remy LeBeau the man I trusted my life with has kicked me out! Kicked **me **out! For some bimbo!" Pietra snapped. "Oh he was so slick about it! Didn't even see it coming! One day he very neatly and innocently picked a quarrel with me! And he happened to make me so mad that I threw a few little things! And he let them hit him with one of them! Did I know there were hidden cameras and tape recorders strewn all over the place like a room at the Watergate Hotel? Did I know I'd given him complete grounds for spousal abuse and incompatibility? Then he calmly told me that if I didn't go to Reno to divorce him, he'd divorce **me** and make the most terrible scandal about it! Ruin **my** reputation!"

"That's awful! But who is the woman?" Amara asked.

"No that's the thing! No one knows who the little minx is!" Pietra fumed. "But she had to be stealthy like a ninja in order to put one over me! Whoo what I think of what I sacrificed for that man so I could live high on the hog!"

"Here you are sister, buck up," Rogue handed her a glass.

"Thanks," Pietra gulped it down. Then her phone rang.

"Well one good thing is now that you're free you can shop around," Fred advised.

"Right you are! I'm not gonna sit around and wait! Oh I've got an e-mail from Monet," Pietra took out his cell phone. "Marvelous things they have nowadays. Would you believe it! She wasn't getting fat! She was pregnant! Easy mistake to make. Another girl! Oh she sent me a snippet from Kitty Pryde's online column."

"Uh oh…" Rogue blinked. "Cue giant tantrum in five, four, three…"

"WHAT! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" Pietra shouted. "LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS!" She shoved the camera in Jean's face so she could read it.

"The singer known as Rogue is currently being Reno-Vated," Jean read the column. "Three guesses Mrs. LeBeau who she's going to marry?"

"Oh my…" Amara blinked.

"Wait a minute…" Pietra looked back and forth and realized the truth. "Why you little…!"

"Oh why can't those stupid papers mind their own beeswax and leave a successful divorce alone?" Rogue spat.

"Why you little…" Pietra made some fists.

"Oh come on Pietra you never loved Remy," Jean said.

"That's beside the point!" Pietra snapped. "You knew about this Jean!"

"Of course not! I just found out now like you!" Jean said.

"Baloney Jean! Your telepathy is bad but it's not **that **bad!" Pietra shouted. She whipped around to Rogue. "How much did he settle on you?"

"I made Remy pay for what he wants," Rogue smiled. "You made him pay for what he **didn't **want!"

"THAT'S IT!" Pietra yelled. "You filthy little…"

"Don't start calling me names you park avenue playgirl!" Rogue interrupted. "I know a lot more of 'em than you do!"

"Why you…" Pietra yelled as she dodged Rogue's fist. "Ha! Without your powers you can't fight…"

POW!

"Oooh…Birdies…" Pietra blinked. That's when Rogue jumped on her and wailed on her. "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"You wanna fight bitch? Here's a fight you won't soon forget!" Rogue beat up on her.

"Not much of a match is it?" Daisy Mae smirked as she watched. "Well I'd better get smelling salts for the loser."

"ROGUE THAT'S ENOUGH!" Jean telekinetically threw Rogue off.

"GET OFF ME YOU BIG MOOSE!" Pietra screamed as Fred sat on her. "YOU'RE BREAKING MY RIBS!"

"I'm only trying to help in my own way," Fred grinned.

"YOU CAN HELP BY LETTING ME BREATHE!" Pietra panted as she got out from underneath.

"Sorry Jean but that witch had it coming!" Rogue snapped.

"Heh heh heh…" Pietra grinned as she crawled behind Rogue and bit her exposed leg.

"YEOW!" Rogue screamed. Then gave Pietra a hard kick.

"WAAAAHHH!" Pietra flew backwards.

"Amara there's some iodine in my bathroom," Jean said.

"Forget that I need a **rabies shot!"** Rogue snapped as Amara helped her away.

"WAAAAHH WAAAH" Pietra did a very good imitation of a Lucy cry. "WAAAAH! JEAN HOW COULD YOU LET HER DO THAT TO ME?"

"Oh drop it you drama queen!" Jean snapped.

"You're on her side! Admit it!" Pietra bawled. "My own cousin! And after all I've done for you!"

"What did **you** do for me?" Jean snapped.

"I **warned** you!" Pietra shouted.

"Well I'm not exactly grateful for **that**," Jean folded her arms.

"Oh really?" Pietra had a malicious look in her eye. "Well you're getting **exactly** what you deserve Jean! And a lot of girls I know are tickled to death about it you stuck up cow! I HATE YOU!"

Then Pietra raced around destroying everything in sight. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

"She's got the freaking hysterics," Daisy Mae shouted.

"Not for long!" Fred grinned as stuck out a massive fist, knocking Pietra down and flung her over her shoulder. "That's what happens when you lose your faith in love!"

"I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYONE IN THIS STUPID FIC! I HATE YOU!" Pietra screamed as she was dragged away. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! JUST YOU WAIT JEAN! SOMEDAY YOU'LL NEED A GIRLFRIEND AND YOU WON'T COME RUNNING TO ME! I HATE YOU!"

"Come on Hon," Daisy Mae said. "I gotta nice warm straightjacket for you."


	8. Tough Talk

**Tough Talk**

"That sneaky no good…" Rogue snapped as she treated her wound. "**This **is why I don't use my power dampener that often! As soon as I get this fixed I'm gonna…"

"Don't worry Rogue," Jean sighed. "Fred and Daisy Mae have beaten you to it."

"Somebody should beat her!" Rogue snorted.

"A nice little bout between a couple of ladies," Jean sighed.

"Right," Rogue snorted. "Just like a bunch of alley cats."

"Jean…" Amara gulped. "I'm gonna have a baby! What should I do?"

"If it's Pyro's I'd jump off a cliff," Rogue muttered.

"Oh come here!" Jean hugged her. "He doesn't know yet does he?"

"No…" Amara sighed.

"Then you have to tell the guy even if he is a flaming nut," Rogue said. "Do it before your divorce goes through!"

"But what if he…?" Amara began.

"Trust me toots, nothing smooths over a fight like finding out you've got something worth fighting for," Rogue said. "Call him!"

"All right…" Amara sighed. Jean dialed the number for her on her cell phone. "No wait! I can't tell him! You don't know what he said to me! I have my pride!"

"Reno's full of women who have their pride," Rogue told her. "A pretty chilly exchange for the guy you're stuck on!"

"Here!" Jean gave her the phone.

"Pyro? Pyro! No I'm not sick! Oh but I am…I am gonna have a baby!" Amara said.

"WHOO HOO I'M GONNA BE A DADDY!" Pyro whooped.

"IT'S ONLY IN THE FIC YOU MORON!" Amara snapped.

"Let's say it's safe to say you're marriage is safe now," Rogue rolled her eyes. She shoved Amara out of the room. "Now shove off while I move the plot along."

Rogue gave Jean a look. "One idiot down. Listen sister when are you gonna get wise to yourself?"

"Who me?" Jean asked.

"No, Tiffany Weapons! Of course you!" Rogue snapped.

"I was just divorced this morning," Jean said.

"A Reno divorce! Just tear up the paper and be done with it!" Rogue said. "Or if you really want have another wedding! That will make things right!"

"I can't Rogue," Jean said. "Not after what he did to me."

"This ain't like the guy has done this before with every Terry, Darlene and Harriet you know?" Rogue said. "You divorced the guy for the wrong reasons! Not because you didn't love him any more or he was hurting you! But just to spite him and teach him a lesson! So you could get revenge! And the most important thing is you're still in love with him."

"He still destroyed my trust," Jean said. "And there can't be marriage without trust."

"I ain't saying the guy was wrong. Which he certainly was," Rogue said. "And yeah you're gonna have to keep him on a leash for a long time but maybe in the end it might be worth it. Jean listen to me…"

"There's nothing you can say to me which I haven't already heard," Jean said.

"Sure? Maybe I gotta different slant?" Rogue folded her arms. "I come from a world where a woman has to come on top and if she doesn't it's too darn bad."

"Talk all you want but what does that lead to? Compromise," Jean sighed.

"So what? Both mutants and women are compromised the day they're born," Rogue said.

"Can't compromise without a defeat," Jean said. "He doesn't want me."

"That's bull and you know it," Rogue snapped.

"He never called or wrote me once since I got here," Jean said.

"Did you call or write **him?"** Rogue asked. "No! How do you know he wasn't waiting for **you** to call? Listen honey I've been through all this before. I lost a guy before. Got wise after that. Look, my guy did the same exact thing yours did. He wanted to fool around but I wouldn't before we got hitched. I had my pride. Heaven knows where I got it. Yeah and we had a terrible row when I found out he slipped up which was okay! I should have gotten mad. And gotten even. But what I ought **not** to have done was run away and leave him in the clutches of that money hungry woman like a coward! That's what you are Jean, a blithering coward!"

"What?" Jean fumed. "Why? Cause I wouldn't stay and be second fiddle?"

"Because you ran out of the trenches under fire!" Rogue snapped. "That girl is only using him to get his money and you know it! You knew that and still you ran away! You deserted him!"

"I deserted **him?**" Jean's jaw dropped.

"Well sure you did!" Rogue said. "You don't think he really wants to be with that gold digger don't you? He screwed up big time and now that creature's got her money grubbing claws into him so tight he doesn't know which way to turn!"

"Funny **you** should be giving me advice like this," Jean gave her a look. "You just stole my ex-friend's husband!"

"You know anyone else **more qualified** to tell you how the 'other woman' thinks?" Rogue gave her a look. "Besides we both know Pietra only saw Remy as a walking pocketbook. And she was more interested in ruining **your** marriage than saving **hers!"**

"You have a point," Jean realized. "Go on."

Rogue went on, "I'll bet if you given him half a chance he'd have asked you not to get this divorce!"

"He did ask…" Jean sighed.

"And you still said **no?**" Rogue was shocked. "Oh for crying out…Listen honey, don't you know we dames have got to be more to the guys we married than a schoolgirl sweetheart? We gotta be a wife! A real wife! And a mother and a pal and a nursemaid and when the occasion calls for it a real hot babe. You should have licked that witch Frost where she licked you. In his arms. That's where you win in the first round. And that's where it counts. My idea of love is that love isn't ashamed of anything."

"Easy for you to say," Jean sighed. "That witch is in his blood and mind."

"So what? If he had cancer or the flu you'd stick with him right?" Rogue asked. "Well the jam this guy is in makes a case of the flu look like a carnival. So while he's out there alone and helpless you remove the one protection he has. His marriage! And don't you think a jackal like Frost won't take advantage of it! And why? Because you're too busy nursing your wounded pride and you have to show him who's the boss!"

The phone rang nearby. "Hello?" Rogue answered it. "Jean! It's for you! It's Scott!"

"Hello?" Jean took the phone.

"Tell him you'll tear that divorce decree into a million pieces and use it for confetti!" Rogue prodded.

"Hello Scott? Well yes it's good to hear your voice," Jean smiled. "Yes I…Scott I can still…But Scott…Oh…Really? You wanted to tell me first…" Her smile faded. "Yes, I see…I'd rather you told me before. Of course. I understand…I'll hope you'll both be very happy. Me? No I have no plans. Goodbye Scott."

"He married her didn't he?" Rogue guessed as Jean hung up.

"This afternoon," Jean sighed. "Not even an hour after the divorce went through."

"Boy talk about your fast workers," Rogue grunted. "I'm sorry I was so rough on you."

"Well you gave it a good try," Jean's eyes started to tear up. She collapsed on the couch. "What am I so upset for? I still have my pride…" She began to sob.

"Well that and a good divorce settlement," Rogue sighed.


	9. Not So Tiny Bubbles

**Not So Tiny Bubbles**

Some time later at the Summers home, Emma Frost was taking a very lavish bubble bath with tons of bubbles. She was simply lying there eating chocolates and getting very bored when her maid, Selene walked in.

"I'VE BEEN REDUCED TO THIS?" Selene shouted. "I AM NOBODY'S FREAKING MAID!"

"Just shut up and say your lines," Emma replied, clearly enjoying herself.

"Enjoy it while you can, you cow," Selene hissed. She composed herself. "Madame has been soaking all hour!"

"So what?" Emma sneered. "The doctor told me that soaking in the tub is good for my nerves!"

"Mr. Summers suggests that you get your fat butt out of the tub and join him to walking Madelyne to her mother's apartment," Selene sneered.

"He did **not** call my butt fat! And you're supposed to be **afraid **of me!" Emma snapped.

"Yeah, like **that's** going to happen," Selene gave her a look. "So are you getting out or not?"

"Not!" Emma snapped. "I'm so bored!" She threw a sponge at Selene and it hit her.

"Perhaps if you didn't spend all your time on your back you **wouldn't** be?" Selene snapped. "Besides your hubby said himself that it doesn't improve your nerves to stay so long in the water!"

"Was that some sort of crack?" Emma growled.

"No, **this** is a crack," Selene said. "If you don't get out of the tub pretty soon someone's gonna confuse you for a California Raisin! If they haven't already!"

"Listen I've been Mrs. Scott Summers for eighteen months and I haven't had a squabble with my husband which must be some sort of record for Park Avenue," Emma snapped. Then Emma's cell phone rang. "Get out! GET OUT!"

"Gladly!" Selene snorted as she left. "The sight of you in a bathtub is enough to ruin anyone's day! Oh and one more thing..."

Suddenly the water in the tub went upwards, and swirled, nearly drowning Emma and ruining her hair. "**That** was for throwing the sponge at me!" Selene sniffed.

Emma answered her cell phone. "Hello you…" She purred. "No I'm in the tub. And I'm shriveled to a peanut waiting for you to call. And listen, don't call me today. If there's any more calling, I'd be calling you. Because it's too dangerous **that's **why! I barely get enough privacy as it is around here! It's getting too risky. Listen, I've worked too hard to land this meal ticket to make any false moves now! Romance? Listen peace is a lot more important to me than any romance! You're not gonna get me out on that limb ever again I'll tell you that much!"

Emma made a face, not noticing that Madelyne was walking in. "Are you drunk? You are drunk! Oh yes you are! Because if you were sober you wouldn't be taking any chances like this! Yeah, sure I'll miss you baby. I'll miss you like nobody's business. I'll say we had fun…" Then she noticed Madelyne at the door. "I'll call you back!"

Emma hung up. "Who told you to come in here?"

"Daddy. He wanted me to wish you good night," Madelyne said. "Good night…" She turned to leave.

"Hold it!" Emma snapped. "My you're in a hurry to tell Daddy about it aren't you?"

"About what?"

"Don't play cute with me dearie," Emma sneered. "My talk on the telephone."

"I don't understand adults on the telephone," Madelyne said. "They sound awfully silly. Good night."

"Good night who?" Emma sneered. "You've been told to call me Auntie Emma."

"I could call you worse than that," Madelyne growled.

"Okay that's it," Emma fumed. "Now we're going to have this out once and for all! I've done my level best to be nice to you but you refuse to cooperate! Now answer my question, you don't like me? Do you?"

"I never said I did," Madelyne said.

"But you don't do you!" Emma snapped. "Why not?"

"Other than the fact that you destroyed my parents' marriage, no there's no reason we can't be friends," Madelyne mocked.

"That line wasn't in the movie!" Emma snapped.

"Well it **should** have been!" Madelyne snapped back. "I've been very polite considering you're something awful."

"Just wait until your father hears about this!" Emma snapped.

"Listen, Daddy doesn't think you're so wonderful any more," Madelyne snapped.

"Oh he doesn't does he?" Emma challenged. "Did he tell you that?"

"No, Daddy always pretends everything's fine but I know better," Madelyne said. "He's too much of a gentleman to tell anyone else what a horrible mistake he's made marrying a tramp like you!"

"Again straying from the script!" Emma fumed. "I'll bet you've done plenty of blabbing to your mother!"

"No I haven't!" Madelyne snapped. "It's my job to make her cheerful! You've hurt her enough! And if you keep hurting you or my father I'll really put the whammy on you!"

"Oh I'm so scared you…" The cell phone rang again. "Get out of here!"

"Gladly! And by the way," Madelyne said before she left. "I think this entire bathtub ruse is completely ridiculous! Good bye!"

"Why you…!" Emma fumed as she answered the phone. "Look! I told you not to call me back here! It's too dangerous! That Summers brat was just in here and who knows **what **she heard!"

"You hoo! Can I come in?" Pietra was heard outside the bathroom.

"Just a minute! Here comes more trouble! Now don't call me again! This is ridiculous! I'd have more privacy taking a bath in Grand Central Station!" Emma snapped as she hung up the phone. "Come in darling!"

"I was out in the open when you called," Emma purred when Pietra waltzed in. "I hoped you forgive me for being modest."

"You? Modest? That's a laugh," Pietra nosed about the bathroom, inspecting the various objects and bath products in it. "I was just at my psychiatrist! Would you believe dear I have to tell him **everything!** Oh I don't mind talking about myself, but talking about my friends makes me feel so disloyal. Oh I just saw poor Scott leaving with little Maddie. He looks so tired and worn. Dr. Psyche Out says that Scott has a guilt complex."

"A what?" Emma blinked.

"Dr. Psyche Out says that men like Scott can't admit that whatever they feel about a woman is anything but love," Pietra went on. "He says that's why Scott married you! To convince himself that your affair had meaning!"

"Am I the only one that thinks you talking to me while I am in the bathtub is weird or is it just me?" Emma groaned.

"Want me to do your back dear?" Pietra grabbed the scrub brush and started scrubbing her back.

"Okay now we've past weird into just plain **creepy!**" Emma groaned. "OW! Stop that! You're rubbing my skin off!"

"He said you married Scott so Scott could convince himself that your relationship had dignity and importance! Isn't that a laugh?" Pietra snorted.

"Listen I've made good on my marriage!" Emma snapped.

"Is that any way to talk to me after all I've done for you?" Pietra snorted indignantly. "You didn't know a soul when you married Scott! It wasn't easy putting you over!"

"Who said **you** put **me** over?" Emma contested.

"I've gotten you into some of the very best homes!" Pietra told her.

"Yes, with some of their very best insults!" Emma snapped back. "By the way, Pietra. Who was Mrs. Lance Alvers before she became Mrs. Lance Alvers?"

"The Countess the Freddy or something like that," Pietra sniffed. "Imagine giving up a title to marry a cowhand! Oh it makes me laugh! I have to laugh every time I think she got him into the music business! Oh he's the chambermaid's delight! HA!" Then Pietra noticed the cell phone. "What is that doing in here? Don't you know you can be electrocuted with those things?"

"Oh this one's waterproof," Emma said.

"A waterproof cell phone in a bathroom," Pietra raised an eyebrow.

"Well I didn't want to tie up Scott's business," Emma said.

"I see," Pietra narrowed her eyes. "Is that what Scott thinks?"

"Scott doesn't mooch around my bathroom!"

"That's pretty obvious," Pietra grinned slyly. "You sly little fox you! I know the **real reason** you have that in here! You use it to talk to a man! That settles the question that's been on my mind from the very beginning!"

"You knock that off!" Emma snapped.

"Oh don't like to me Emma! Everyone knows you're not Scott's type," Pietra grinned. "Never could figure out what he sees in you." She snatched the phone as it rang. "Let's see who's on your call list? Unlisted! Very smart!"

"Give that back!" Emma tried to grab it but Pietra took it away.

"Hello?" Pietra answered sweetly. Then started to laugh and hung up. "Oh my dear!"

"What did he say?" Emma asked.

"He was singing! Come a ty yi yippee yi yay!" Pietra laughed. "Oh I'd know that voice anywhere! Lance Alvers! How could you? The chambermaid's delight!"

"You haven't got a think on me Pietra, not a single thing!" Emma hissed.

"Do I care?" Pietra grinned. "Listen I'm not going to tell anyone because that will give Jean too much satisfaction! Not to mention the fun of you screwing around with one of her new best friend's husbands! I'm mum as an oyster! Listen, you hold onto both your men and we'll be very happy!"

"Will you shake on that?" Emma grinned.

"Why not?" Pietra shook her hand.

"Good, now GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM YOU FREAKING PERVERT!" Emma roared as she threw a scrub brush at Pietra.

**Coming up! The end of this insane fic! Will Jean win Scott back? Will Emma keep both Scott and Lance? Will someone ever read these things? Find out next! **


	10. The Claws Come Out

**And now the end of our insane little parody! Enjoy it folks when…**

**The Claws Come Out**

Not long after **that** little deal was brokered, Mystique found herself in Jean's apartment. "Haven't they gone yet?" She grunted to Rahne the maid as she sat in Jean's bedroom with Madelyne.

"I think most of them are getting ready to leave," Rahne said.

"Those dreadful women," Mystique grunted. "How my daughter can tolerate them I'll never understand!"

"You should talk," Rahne grumbled.

Back out in the living room the women were getting ready to go out. It was Jean, Rogue, Fred, Amara, Wanda and Monet in evening dresses. "So how's marriage going Rogue?" Jean asked. "Is it everything you hoped for?"

"Are you kidding? I've done a reconstruction job on Remy that makes the Boulder Dam look like an egg cup!" Rogue said. "Whatever an egg cup is."

"Oh can't we go up to the Rooftop Casino Lounge now?" Amara hiccupped. "Pyro and I have to be home by four. Little Pyro will be up. Yesterday he said the cutest thing…Dada Fire!"

"Wait until he enters Harvard," Wanda said sarcastically. "Back on the coffee I see?"

"Oh yeah it's great!" Amara hiccupped.

"Do you want to hear something about Pietra?" Monet asked.

"NO!" Jean, Rogue, Fred and Amara told her fiercely.

Monet ignored them. "Well she's going to that awful Dr. Psyche Out!"

"That quack?" Jean blinked.

"Isn't it a scream? She's mad about him," Monet grinned. "She pays two hundred dollars an hour just to sit there and drool at him!"

"That info is worth a million!" Rogue snickered.

"You know Jean you really should make up with Pietra," Monet said. "She's livid at the way you high hated her ever since Reno!"

"She deserved it!" Rogue snapped.

"I'd rather have her as a friend than an enemy," Wanda agreed.

"I wouldn't," Jean gave her a look.

"You're right, she's a jerk," Wanda conceded.

"Quelle Sor-rry!" Fred hiccupped. "What a lovely party!"

"Any more drinks and you'll float to the ceiling," Wanda remarked.

"I'm not really drunk," Fred whispered. "It's part of the play."

"We know Fred! Get on with it!" Jean rolled her eyes.

"The men folk are waiting downstairs for us!" Fred beamed. "Jean do put that poor darling Logan out of his misery!"

"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" Scott shouted off stage.

"SHUT UP SCOTT!" Jean snapped. She got back into character. "I'm not ready for marriage yet. In fact I'm kind of tired so I won't be going to the Casino Lounge with the rest of you."

"Oh but Jean…" Amara pouted.

"You're not cross because my Lance has had a wee bit too much drinky poo have you?" Fred hiccupped.

"Don't be modest Freddie, your Lance is plastered," Rogue grinned.

"Oh do come Jean this is really our farewell party," Fred pouted. "I'm never coming back to the city after tonight."

"Why? What's wrong?" Jean asked.

Fred's face grew sober. "Can I trust you?"

"Probably not Darling," Jean grinned. "Spill it."

"Okay but this is between just us girls?" Fred looked around.

"Shoot Freddie it's a nation wide hookup," Rogue smiled.

"Well…" Fred sighed. "You remember the way Lance was always crooning love songs at me? He doesn't do that anymore. In fact, he's been seeing another woman. He stays away from home and comes back smelling of strange perfume and claims he's visiting his horse. That's why I think it's safer to move around for a bit."

"Never mind Freddie, chin up!" Wanda consoled.

"That's right! All three of 'em," Rogue smiled.

"Good night Jean," Fred sighed. "I'll call you."

"Good night Fred. Good night girls," Jean smiled.

"Well since you're not going I can tell you that you would have run right smack into Pietra and Emma at the lounge," Monet sighed as she got her coat. "It would have been fun to see but since you're not going…"

"You were going to just let Jean run into them?" Rogue gasped.

"Well my dear they had to run into each other some time," Monet sniffed. "It is a small town after all."

"Why do we let her stay with us?" Rogue asked.

"Because Pietra kicked her to the curb for blabbing about the details of her divorce," Wanda explained.

"Well I'm not so squeamish," Rogue grinned. "Wait until you see the love fest I put on Remy! For dear darling Pietra."

"Enjoy yourselves girls," Jean smiled.

"You sure you don't want me to spit in Emma's eye for ya?" Rogue asked Jean. She shook her head. "You're missing out on a wonderful opportunity. Where I spit no grass grows ever."

"Thanks but no thanks," Jean smiled. Soon they left and she got ready for bed.

"Mother?" Madelyne walked in. "May I sleep with you for a while?"

"Sure darling," Jean smiled as her daughter hopped into bed with her.

"One nice thing about a divorce," Madelyne smiled. "You get to sleep with your mother. Boy is that a **warped** line! All of the sudden I feel a bit icky."

"Do you want to go through the whole sappy scene or can we just get right to the good part?" Jean asked.

"Yeah let's do it," Madelyne agreed. "That's one good thing about a Red Witch fic, she cuts through all the crappy love stuff. Speaking of which, I don't Emma's interested in Daddy anymore."

"What makes you say that?" Jean asked.

"He mopes around the house all day," Madelyne counted off. "He's miserable and keeps looking at your picture when he thinks no one is looking. And Emma's been talking to some guy on the cell phone. Pretty lovey dovey stuff. You'd have to ask Pietra who it is though. They're together all the time and know each other's secrets."

"Really?" Jean smiled and leapt out of bed. "Go to sleep kiddo, Mommy has to go to a party!"

"What?" Madelyne asked.

"Grandma will stay and baby sit you!" Jean told her as she grabbed her best evening dress.

"What do you mean Grandma?" Mystique burst in. "Jean what happened? What's going on? Are you all right?"

"I've never felt better in my life!" Jean smiled. "I've had two years to grow claws, Mother! **Jungle Red!"**

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Soon Jean was in the extravagant ladies lounge at the Casino Lounge Room. There she was preparing her trap. "Are you sure Mrs. Pietra LeBeau is still here and didn't leave?" Jean asked the coat check girl of the Ladies' Lounge: Jennifer Waters, the She Hulk.

"Sure I'm sure," Jennifer snorted. "Don't know how I ended up in this stupid fic but I'm sure of that. She's famous for the size of her tips. Smaller than a flea's waist size. Not even a thin dime."

"Good," Jean grinned.

"Jean please come back to the party," Amara walked in. "You've been in here an hour. Good lord this place is decorated better than some apartments. On second thought no wonder you want to stay in here. Plush cushions. A bar. Dressing room mirrors. Extra large bathroom stalls…"

"It's one thing to come out! It's another thing to come out from under the table!" Agatha Harkness snapped at Benny Barumpbump in a dress. "And don't think I didn't hear that boyfriend of yours call me an old coot!"

Rina walked by in a dress talking to Calliban in a wig and dress. "I still say I am going to pull a gun on that guy! Just like I did on Judge McClure!"

"How does Calliban get in these stupid fics?" Calliban moaned.

"So Catseye says to the guy 'Why do you gotta go home for'?" Catseye told Amanda as they walked by in evening gowns. "And he says: They always expect me to home for Easter. So Catseye says: What do they expect you to do? Lay an egg?"

"Free comedy show," Amara hiccupped.

"Oh Scott is in such a mood!" Emma snapped as she and Pietra stomped in.

"Ixnay!" Pietra hissed when she saw who else was in the lounge. "How do you do?"

"How do you do?" Jean feigned politeness as Emma and Pietra walked away into the stalls arm and arm.

"Scott is giving me pearls for my birthday," Emma purred.

"Oh you have me to thank for that darling," Pietra said. "I told him you would love them!"

"Oh Jean let's go," Amara tried to pull her away.

"Oh just let me fix my makeup first," Jean grinned as she went to one of the large mirrors and pretended to fix herself up.

"What are you up to?" Amara asked.

Jean smiled and waited for both Pietra and Emma to come out before she spoke in a stage voice. "Did I tell you I'm seeing Dr. Psyche Out darling? He's such a dear man! He keeps me for hours on end and doesn't charge me a thing! He tells me the pleasure is all his."

While Emma sailed out of the room, Pietra missed the door and slammed into the wall. In a daze she walked out for a moment. "Jean you've never seen Dr. Psyche Out in your life!" Amara gasped.

"Shhhhhh!" Jean waved for her to be quiet as Pietra in a daze walked in.

"You still here Jean?" Pietra coughed. "How have you been feeling? I just heard you say that you were seeing a doctor?"

"Oh? Jealous?" Jean smirked.

"Of course not! I wouldn't be interested in that old fish," Pietra snorted.

"Shhh! Kitty Pryde!" Amara pointed to the gossip columns as she walked in.

"Hello ladies! My you all look lovely!" Kitty smiled. "Any dirt for the column?"

"Not a thing," Pietra said innocently.

"Oh rats," Kitty sighed. "I don't know why I don't just shove off! I've never seen such a clean joint!" She walked into the stalls disappointed.

"Oh please Pietra," Jean said sympathetically. "It's all over town what a fool you're making of yourself over Dr. Psyche Out. Come on Amara…"

"Hold on!" Pietra stood in front of her. "I'd like you to explain that!"

"I know you pay him two hundred dollars an hour for him just to hold your hand," Jean grinned.

"Did he tell you that?" Pietra bristled.

"Of course not! All the doctor's patients are strictly confidential!" Jean grinned.

"Jean you're not feeling well!" Amara gasped. "I'm going to get Wanda!" She fled out of the room.

"Jean Grey I haven't seen you in nearly two years!" Pietra fumed. "Just where are you getting your information?"

"Where do you think darling? From Emma," Jean laughed. "Through every manicurist in town. She's now telling everyone that he had to grow a beard just so you wouldn't see him laughing at you!"

"Why that…That…" Pietra fumed. "Backstabbing little…I'll slit her throat!"

"Well you can't blame her for wanting to say something to someone else," Jean smiled as she laughed. "You're the only friend she has. Besides you who has she got to gossip about?"

"She's got Lance Alvers!" Pietra shouted hotly. "Why can't she tell about him?"

"Lance Alvers!" Jean gasped.

"Jean Grey Summers you fished that out of me!" Pietra realized.

"Well goodnight girls," Kitty walked by.

"Kitty!" Jean shouted. "Have I got a scoop for you!"

"NO DON'T!" Pietra shouted. "You wouldn't!"

"Something's gonna pop big time!" Jean said.

"Good and dirty?" Kitty raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah! Go ask Lance Alvers about who he's been sleeping around with!" Jean said. "Ask him what famous society lady he's stuck on. Here's a hint! It starts with an F and it sounds like lost!"

"Oh boy! Dirt!" Kitty squealed with delight as she ran through the walls.

"Oh no you don't!" Pietra snapped. "I'll shut Lance Alvers' drunken trap if it's the last thing I do!"

But before she could leave she was trapped in a pink bolt. "Urk!"

"Where are you going my pretty?" Wanda cackled as she held her in place with a hex bolt. Amara was with her.

"Oh no you don't! You're gonna stay **here!"** Jean brought Pietra back using her telekinesis. "Okay we need to stash you someplace!"

"How about the closet?" Jennifer suggested as she opened the door.

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" Pietra struggled to get free. "You'd better think of your job!"

"I'm thinking of all the tips you never gave me you little twerp!" Jennifer laughed with glee. "Now I remember why I took this job!" She tossed her into the nearest closet.

"Let me out! Let me out!" Pietra banged on the door but could not get out.

"Jean this isn't like you!" Amara gasped.

"I haven't even **started** yet," Jean smiled.

"Well whatever you are up to I am all for it!" Wanda grinned.

ZZZZZZZZZAAAP!

BOOOOM!

RRRRUMMMMMBLE!

"Sounds like the cat's out of the bag," Jean smiled. "I knew Kitty would do it!"

"Come out quick all Hell has broken loose!" Rogue ran into the ladies room.

"We figured that," Jean smiled as bits of the ceiling fell down.

"It's pandemonium out there!" Rogue laughed. "Lance Alvers just spilled the most terrific load of dirt! Scott tried to shut him up but Lance told everything about him and Emma right in front of all their friends and a couple of reporters! Not to mention everyone that has a video phone in their camera! They're fighting it out right now!"

"Yes!" Jean raised her fist in triumph. "Everything?"

"Everything!" Rogue said. "Places, dates, positions you name it! Lance is yakking about it! And rubbing it into Scott's face and he is not happy!"

BOOOOOOOOOM!

"Can't blame the guy," Amara giggled.

"WAAAH! WAAAAAHHH!" Freddy staggered in bawling into her evening wrap with Monet following behind. "HOW COULD LANCE DO THAT TO ME? HOW?"

"Apparently with a saddle at times," Monet quipped.

"SHUT UP! I DIDN'T MEAN ABOUT **THAT!**" Fred snapped. "The publicity! Le Publicity! The doctor Gee-Kal and Mr. Hyde! Which was which?"

"Just tell us all about it!" Rogue sat her down.

"Of all my husbands Lance is the first and only one to insult me in public!" Fred wailed.

"What did he do?" Jean could guess.

"Do? He proclaimed his undying love for Emma!" Monet grinned.

"To Kitty Pryde and everyone in the room nonetheless!" Rogue added.

"So that **everybody **in the place could hear him!" Fred wailed. "Le Publicity! Le Publicity! WAHHHHHH!"

"He even spilled dates and addresses!" Monet trilled with glee.

"Don't worry honey I've got 'em all down for you on Remy's shirt," Rogue told Fred. "You'll need them in divorce court."

"Amara! Go reconnoiter!" Jean ordered. Amara ran outside.

"He said he'd be a cockeyed coyote before he herded an old beef like me off on the range!" Fred wailed. "WAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Get me a bromide! And put some gin in it! On second thought leave the bromide and just get me the **gin!"**

"HEY YOU!" Emma burst through the door. "Is Mrs.LeBeau in here?"

"And how!" Rogue grinned.

"Not you! The stooge pigeon!" Emma snapped.

"Right this way," Jean pointed to the closet. "Let her out Wanda!"

"Let me out! I'll sue everybody in this place! This is kidnapping! Let me out! Let me…AAAAHHH!" Pietro fell out of the closet covered in clothes.

"Why you little…" Emma grabbed Pietra by the collar. "You've been shooting off your mouth you little rat!"

"Not a word! Not a word! Jean fished it out of me!" Pietra panicked and pointed to Jean.

"It wasn't hard to do," Jean smirked in triumph.

Emma dropped Pietra. "You rotten little…Just wait until I start talking about **you!"**

"You can't say anything! Not a word! And besides I knew you'd lose Scott Summers! You, you shop girl!" Pietra protested.

Emma whirled on the other girls. "You're trying to break up my marriage you **cats!**"

"And you don't see the **irony** of this?" Jean folded her arms. "What goes around comes around!"

"Listen Jean Grey you can't stampede me by using the drunken ravings of a gentleman! You've got to have evidence! And Scott is a gentleman!"

"Oh I think we have plenty of evidence," Rogue smiled. "Even a gentleman can be pushed too far!"

"Face it Emma, Scott's fed up with you and you **know it!"** Jean said.

"Yes, take my advice Emma," Monet said. "And put your energies into settling your alimony!"

"Alimony?" Pietra scoffed. "With what Scott can get on you, he won't have to give you a dime!"

"Is that so? Suppose I don't need alimony?" Emma sneered.

"No alimony!" Monet was shocked.

"What are you gonna use instead of it Sugar?" Rogue taunted.

"Lance Alvers!" Emma snapped.

"OOOOOOOOOOH!" Fred wailed in heartache. "The ingrate!"

"Your cowboy and I get along great, Countess," Emma sneered. "Just great! What he earns in his recording contract is a lot more than Scott Summers will **ever** make! Oh Lance and I are tickled to death to get rid of the **lot** of you!

"The infamy!" Fred wailed.

"Think of it as another lesson in love," Rogue said. "Never let your husbands be financially independent."

"But Lance isn't financially independent," Fred sniffed.

"Wait doesn't he have a contract with that record label Ham Hock Recording?" Rogue blinked.

"No Darling, I am Ham Hock Recording! I mean I own it!" Fred sniffed. "No one else would sign the man the meanies! I…Oh I get it **now!**"

"You mean…?" Emma's jaw dropped.

"You just backed the **wrong horse**," Jean smiled.

"Come a ti yi yippee yi yay," Rogue crowed as she got in Emma's face.

Emma sighed, defeated. "Well girls, it looks like it's back to the perfume counter for me."

"Hopefully in another city because I know for a fact there's no way you're going to get another job in this one!" Pietra huffed. "I'll see to that personally!"

"As will I!" Fred sniffed. "I'm running you out of town you, you horse thief!"

"Fine with me," Emma glared at the women. "By the way there's a name for women like you, but it isn't used in high society outside of a kennel."

"Did she just call us bitches?" Wanda asked.

"I believe she did," Rogue sniffed.

"GET HER!" Wanda and Rogue attacked.

"HEY! JOAN CRAWFORD DIDN'T GET BEATEN UP IN THE MOVIE!" Emma shouted as she was attacked by Wanda and Rogue.

"WELL SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN!" Both Wanda and Rogue shouted.

"Oh Jean! Jean! Scott's outside waiting for you!" Amara ran in. "He wants to know if you'll see him! Oh will you please?"

"Will I?" Jean nearly ran to the door. "Oh yes! You bet I will!"

"Jean Grey! Don't you have any pride?" Pietra shouted.

"None at all!" Jean crowed. "Pride is something a woman in love can't afford!" She ran out the door.

Then she walked back in. "On the other hand. There's also nothing wrong with making the jerk suffer a little bit!" She went out again.

POW!

"OW! JEEAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Scott wailed in agony.

"Is this stupid fic over yet?" 'Pietra' snapped as he threw off his wig. "These high heels are killing me!"

"Can I kill you next?" Fred grumbled as he removed his wig. "You scene stealing hack!"

"HACK" Pietro fumed. "Which one of us was bawling like he'd cut his leg off?"

"Well with this pantyhose it sure felt like it," Fred complained.

"Speaking of killing," Amara went outside. "THIS IS FOR ME PRETENDING TO MARRY YOU AND HAVING YOUR DEMON SPAWN PYRO!"

"OW! OW! OWWWW!"

"BURN IN HELL YOU FIRE LOVING FREAK!" Amara shouted.

"Oh look, the set's on fire…" Pietro groaned as the place started to go up in flames. "Well folks that's the end of another fun parody by Red Witch. And we all know why she doesn't put out too many of these! They're way too expensive! Ciao!"


End file.
